Artist: The 1975
Album: Notes on a Conditional Form | Alternate Cover Art | 🥾🌍
Label: Dirty Hit | Polydor
Release Date: May 22, 2020
Total Runtime: 1 hour, 20 minutes
Listen Here: Apple Music | Spotify | Youtube Music | Youtube Playlist
Discussion: Popheads Fresh Thread
A Boring Artist Intro
The 1975 are a British synth-pop-rock band consisting of singer Matty Healy, leading guitarist Adam Hann, bassist Ross MacDonald, and drummer George Daniel. Healy is also the primary songwriter and Daniel does a lot of the production work on their tracks. The members met in high school and formed the band while they were still teens playing assorted gigs. Though they first "formed" in 2002, they wouldn't release their first work as The 1975 until 2012.
Prior to 2020 the band had released three albums: The 1975 (2013), I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (2016), and A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships (2018). While they haven't had a top ten hit single type song yet, they've been fairly well-known and watched in the music sphere since their first album.
Album Intro
When Notes on a Conditional Form was first "announced" (in a sense) it was their third album and titled Music for Cars. Eventually, the band decided to split the Music for Cars album into a two-album era, starting with 2018's A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships and ending with some unnamed album to be released in mid-2019. Eventually the album got a release date, a title, and a... memorable piece of cover art (🥾🌍) before being pushed back. Then pushed again. And again. And again. Until suddenly it was 7 singles, a new album art, and nearly a year later before the band actually remembered that there was supposed to be an album tying together all these songs they kept releasing. After enough delay Notes on a Conditional Form finally released on May 22, 2020, more than a year after it was first announced.
The reception for the album was pretty mixed to say the least. The Metacritic average sits at a nice 69 right now, but the individual scores range from a stellar 5/5 from NME to a dismal single star from The Independent UK. Fans were also mixed on the album, with some finding the album a departure from their previous sound and overly bloated, and others enjoying the experimentation and change of pace (with many other criticisms and praises in between).
The album wasn't the only thing to attract mixed reception for the band. The 1975 themselves had a fairly controversial year. I guess that's not really fair. More accurately Matty Healy had a bit of a controversial year. From complaining about independent content creators trying to market themselves during the pandemic to using the George Floyd protests to promote one of the band's songs it was an eventful era on Twitter for Matty, who eventually deactivated his account after the latter incident.
Unfortunately due to the pandemic, they've also had to cancel their planned tour dates for the era. Instead they confirmed they are working on their next album. Luckily they seem to have learned from their mistakes and not announced a release date just yet.
Tracklist
The album has a total of 22 tracks.
22 damn tracks.
Uh, do I have to review all of them? No? Good.
 
...
 
Well that was my first thought process anyways. However, to understand and dissect this album I really have to talk about both what works, and what doesn't. And after including almost all of the album anyways I figured I might as well go all in. If there are a few tracks that get a little less focus I apologize, but I did have to make sure I fit in my 40,000 character limit somehow. Is this write-up going to be long-winded, full of confusing takes, and possibly completely incorrect? Probably. But isn't that really what this album's all about anyway?
So. Here we go. 22 songs. Let's get started.
^{Maybe I should have campaigned harder for a Kesha writeup instead}
Track 1: The 1975
Pre-release track (July 24, 2019) | Popheads Discussion

It's time to rebel

Another album, another track titled after the band. While not an official single, this was the first official piece to be released for the album. The track notably features a spoken word piece by climate activist, teenager, and apparent mortal enemy to 50-year old American conservatives, Greta Thunberg.
I don't really have much to say outside of giving praise to Greta for this piece. It lies out the cold, hard truth, while keeping things (very tentatively) optimistic. It's a call to action to a very important problem. Is it a little... self-indulgent to include this to the start of your album that otherwise has very little to do with climate action? Yes. It's very 1975 of them and as you may see a few more times later on, it's the perfect fit to start off this album.
 
Track 2: People
1st Single (August 22, 2019) | Popheads Discussion

Wake up, wake up, wake up

Nearly a month after the premier opening track, People became the first "official" single released. If you thought you knew what The 1975 was about, this track changed the tone of things completely. It was aggressive and loud and nowhere close to the usual synthpop sound the band was associated with. Unfortunately for those who enjoyed this new direction, this is pretty much the only occurrence of it on the entire album. I have to say that I appreciated it a lot more as a single than I do on the album. It's just kind of placed with really no reason. If it wasn't the only track to go this hard, or if it was placed further in to break up the album a bit maybe it could have worked. At the very least it fits nicely with the opening track, venting Matty's frustrations of the state of the world. While the sound isn't very 1975, the idea definitely is.
 
Track 3: The End (Music For Cars)

Strings intensify

The grandiose strings are a good sound for a song titled "The End", but maybe don't call it that if you're using it as the 3rd track out of 22.
 
Track 4: Frail State of Mind
2nd Single (October 24, 2019) | Popheads Discussion

You lot just leave / I'll stay behind / I'm sorry 'bout my frail state of mind

After "The 1975" and "People", "Frail State of Mind" fit in a lot closer with previous perceptions of the band, though a little more electronic influenced than much of their previous work. The lyrics are based around feelings of depression, social anxiety, and fear of disappointment. The production is a little chaotic, but given the subject material it really works well.
There's a lot to talk about for this song but, the final set of lyrics are some of the most heartbreaking on the album. Matty is isolating himself due to fears of bringing down the mood ("Don't wanna bore you with my frail state of mind"). His friends snap back at him and tell him he's faking it ("Oh, winner, winner, that's your biggest lie. I'm sure that you're fine"). Matty responds back that his struggles are real ("I haven't told a lie in quite some time"). Only for his friends to respond that they'll leave him if he doesn't bottle his real feelings ("You know we'll leave if you keep lying. Don't lie behind your frail state of mind").
I always perceived this as an imagined conversation in the mind of someone with social anxiety. He wants to open up, but is afraid that it will end up pushing his loved ones away. As someone who tends to overthink conversations way too much, these fears and unneeded worries are very much present in many interactions. There are times you want to open up, but the fear of things going wrong prevents any changes, positive or negative, from occurring. On the other interpretation, it being an actual conversation is probably even more heartbreaking as his friends don't trust him at all and instead tell him off for ditching them under the guise of mental health. Unfortunately it's not unusual for mental health to be completely ignored in favour of keeping up a façade of strength so it really can feel like there is no winning at times.
 
Track 5: Streaming

Stream The 1975

I'm pretty sure this is only on the album to get people to search The 1975 on streaming services.
 
Track 6: The Birthday Party
4th Single (February 19, 2020) | Popheads Discussion

I thought that I was stuck in Hell / In a boring conversation with a girl called Mel / 'Bout her friend in Cincinnati called Matty as well

The lyrics for this song take a 'slice of life' style approach. It's a song structured as if it's all taking place during someone's party (per the title). It's fairly light-hearted on the surface, so I always imagined it as a backyard barbeque on a warm summer day. Though it seems to just be about the party at a glance, the lyrical content of the track actually heavily ties into Matty's past experiences with addiction and his recovery. ("There's a place I've been going / Now that I'm clean"). The song's outro lyrics build on it, with his reliance on his friends to typically keep him in line ("I depend / On my friends / To stay clean / As sad as it seems").
Lyrically, it can seem pretty boring to some. He's at a party, talks with some people, not much happens. But I think the song embraces the normalcy of life vs. the appeal of relapse. The party isn't lacking any "interesting" developments, but Matty turns down the advances (mostly) and sticks to the party. He's not really enjoying his time, but he's knows it's better than the aftermath of any alternatives. He still has a long way to go (as he does still try to go for a kiss at one point), so he still relies on his friends to keep him in check. It's not complete control, but it's a start.
 
Track 7: Yeah I Know

Time feels like it's changed, I don't feel the same

With the latest stop on the genre tour bus of NOACF, we're back on the electronic side. It's a nice track, but in my opinion a little forgettable in the broad scope of the album. If you're going to have 22 tracks you should make every one count. The beat's nice, but it feels a little out of place. I do like the lyric "Time feels like it's changed, I don't feel the same", but otherwise not much is going on with only two short verses of content. Unless you want to be told to "Hit that shit" about 20 or 30 times, I don't think many will remember this song for long. It sounds like a draft they came up with, said they'd come back to work on it, and then completely forgot about it after releasing the album.
 
Track 8: Then Because She Goes

We're supposed to leave by half-past eight / Will you stay or wait?

Unfortunately, this is another one of the tracks that I group with "Yeah I Know" in the "Oh yeah I forgot this was on the album"-category. The 1975 again lean back toward a more pop-rock sound compared to their electronic outing in the previous track. Unfortunately, it hits almost the exact same pitfall where nothing interesting really happens .
It seems that in this relationship, one side is a little more (or way-too-much-more) invested in the relationship than the other. Matty's begging with his partner ("You are mine, I’ve been drowning in you", "When you leave, I cry on the inside", etc., etc.). While she seems... a little apprehensive about the whole thing to say the least. By the end of the song he is in the same scenario as the previous chorus and again asks "Will you stay or wait". Thematically, it's kind of fitting how short the song is. Nothing has really changed since the previous time the question was asked. And we never really see how his partner feels about all this. Both the song and the relationship seems all very... rushed. The problem is whether that's by design or if it's another case of a song being left on the drawing board for too long.
 
Track 9: Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America
5th Single (April 3, 2020) | Popheads Discussion

I'm in love with a boy I know / But that's a feeling I can never show

For one of the first collaborations on any of their songs, the band brings on indie treasure Phoebe Bridgers (stream Punisher) as a guest vocalist. Compared to the rest of the album, the track is stripped down to its barest form. A song doesn't need to become acoustic to have emotional depth, but the sparse nature of the instrumentation brings out the lyrics nicely.
The track is told from the point of view of two closeted individuals at odds with their sexuality and their religion. The lead has fallen into the hole of gay doubt, while continually confirming his love for Jesus Christ (a man) throughout the song . He's assumed that he was straight his whole life such that once he realizes that he is this "demonized gay" his feelings of love aren't happy, but frightening to him ("I'm in love but I'm feeling low"). Phoebe is experiencing similar problems. She also finds herself pining after someone of the same gender ("I'm in love with the girl next door / Her name's Claire"). The similarities keep coming, as she has also become very attracted to her friend and she clearly knows it ("Nice when she comes 'round to call / Then masturbate the second she's not there"). So they hold their feelings inside, hoping that something will change (I'm sure something many of us may have tried, and failed, at some point).
Joining together, the chorus takes a somewhat sarcastic tone to both leads' dilemmas as if their devotion will suddenly fix everything. They both know that they're stuck in a dead end with their beliefs ("Fortunately I believe, lucky me"). They've been told their whole lives that religion can fix their 'problems', but both know in their hearts that they've been looking for acceptance in the wrong spots ("I'm searching for planes in the sea, and that's irony"). And even though I never grew up religious, I definitely relate to the struggles of finding self-acceptance and it's a beautiful song because of that.
 
Track 10: Roadkill

I'll take a minute when I think I won't die from stopping

Roadkill decides to not do electronic OR pop-rock and instead goes a country-esque route. This song is definitely meant to be taken comedically. I mean how could it not with lyrics about literally pissing himself. Still, it's had its fair share of controversy. There was brief complaints about Matty using the f-slur, despite not being LGBTQIA2S+ himself. For the most part, it didn't stir up too much trouble. He was recounting a real life event that happened to him and he didn't want to mince words. Though I get why people are frustrated with it. Perhaps if this was his first problem it wouldn't have been as big a deal, but by the time the album came out he already had a few bouts with the controversy bull.
There was also some minor controversy relating to the line "And I took shit for being quiet during the election / And maybe that's fair, but I'm a busy guy". Or more so, their silence during the UK's 2019 general election. And then telling people off for expecting them to speak up about politics. I don't know why out of all the 1975 faults this one annoyed so much, but it just kind of culminated their other issues together into one pointless line. I think what hurts the band the most is their calls for other artists to speak up about injustices then they just brush things like this off when asked. Like how hard would it have been to give some canned apology? Or at least ignore it? But no, this is The 1975! They need to have an opinion on something, even when that opinion is not having an opinion. And not speaking up because "You're a busy guy". With what? Recording the filler for this album? There are times when radio silence on an issue is fine, but given the current state of politics and the events that happened in elections around the globe why is it something you want to twiddle your thumbs about. I agreed with their reasoning that people shouldn't listen to musicians for political advice, but that doesn't mean people don't. Normally I wouldn't be as critical of something like this for most other artists, but when a band goes around saying they're politically motivated, then do nothing of the sort, it all feels a little disingenuous.
...Oh yeah there's other parts to this song too. The rest of the lyrics are pretty innocuous in relation. Singing about the stresses of touring. I'll admit The country sound actually works quite well with the band. I'd probably like it if the noted parts didn't exist. Yeah the song is a nice little a jam, but all it does when is remind me of all the parts of The 1975 I loathe. I'm sure everyone has at least reminder of how far up their own ass The 1975 can be at times and this one is mine.
 
Track 11: Me & You Together Song
3rd Single (January 16, 2020) | Popheads Discussion

I fell in love with her in stages / My whole life

Me & You Together Song was the band's 3rd single and probably has the most similar sound to the band's previous work. Really you could fit it on one of their early EP's and it wouldn't feel too out of place. It's upbeat enough to jam to, while also having some wistful lyrics to give a bit of depth. It's the classic "one friend falls for the other, but the other doesn't feel the same" trope. It doesn't look like the relationship is going to develop at all, but that doesn't stop the pining. Really this is the song that Then Because She Goes wishes it was. Matty does a much better outlining the shared relationship between him and this girl and their history. Many compared it to the standard rom-com movies that were all too prevalent in the 2000's and I completely get their comparison. It's a great light-hearted break from the emotional weight of the rest of the album. It also helps that the song is super fun to jam out to with some of the best guitar work and vocal delivery on the album.
 
Track 12: I Think There's Something You Should Know

How would you know? It doesn't show

I Think There's Something You Should Know hops back off the acoustic-country-pop-rock train to the electronic side of the album. Lyrically it takes a similar path as "Frail State" did earlier: Matty's trying to open up to someone else that he's not in a great mental state right now. He feels like the fame is getting to him and although he's doing well in the band, it's at the cost of his health. By external measures he is "successful", but it really doesn't feel that way. It's like when he hears that "The 1975 is successful" it's someone else that is experiencing that success, a false image of him in the limelight. He wishes he could be that successful person ("I'd like to meet myself and swap clothes"), but his mental health is holding him back from feeling happy with himself. As he puts it "You get a moment when you feel alright", but it still doesn't change the fact that he feels miserable behind everything.
 
Track 13: Nothing Revealed / Everything Denied

Life feels like a lie / I need something to be true / Is there anybody out there?

This track is my personal favourite of the non-singles. It also has some of the more interesting production choices on the album. Matty Healy decides that if there's anything a synth-pop-rock band like The 1975 could use, it would be some psuedo-rapping. By him. And somehow I still like the song. I don't know if I'd say it worked... but it doesn't ruin the song in any capacity.
Really if there's anything more fitting of an album released during quarantine it's this existential track. The chorus especially is the kind of cathartic experience that makes you want to shout out after being stuck inside for weeks at a time. The song deals with Matty building up false history for himself that doesn't really fit his current lifestyle anymore. He's told so many lies passed off as truth that it's getting hard to hold onto them any more. At the time a single lie seems like a fine idea, but then it builds and builds and suddenly he doesn't like what he has become anymore. He knows it's not him. At this point he just wants to open up to someone, but the things they know about him aren't even real. This is him finally hoping to give some truth and become a person he enjoys being, if that's even possible any more.
 
Track 14: Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy)

Tonight, I think I fucked it royally

The production alone on this track already makes it one of my favourites on the album. Despite the upbeat nature, the lyrics hit the sweet spot of painfully sad and trying not to seem too bothered. Following the previous track, Tonight also deals with making mistakes that might be too far along to fix. The lyrics land neatly in a spot we can all relate with, messing something up for yourself so bad that you just have to sit down and think "What the fuck was I thinking" and trying not to break down. In this case, it's issues in his romantic life. At this point, the relationship is pretty much over so all he can do now is reflect on what went wrong. I really love the lyrics "And it's been replaying on my mind / Unfortunately, I've been to this place in my life / Far too many times / Sunday's nearly over, so I'll just lie awake" cause I think we've all had a time when there's nothing left to do but sit in your bed thinking about what went wrong. But it's Sunday, there's no time to reflect as life will continue on as normal once Monday comes around. As one could maybe guess from the title, he's now at the point where he finally realizes what he lost, but it's a little too late. As Matty says quite aptly in the chorus, "Tonight, I think I fucked it royally".
 
Track 15: Shiny Collarbone

???

While there are lyrics to this song, I just count it as another instrumental track. Out of all of the hit/miss tracks on the album I've found this one has been the most controversial. It's definitely interesting, I'll give it that for sure. But it just feels so out of place. Some people will really enjoy this, but it's not for me.
 
Track 16: If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)
6th Single (April 23, 2020) | Popheads Discussion

Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes

So two things I've learned from looking into this song.
1) It's not actually about just taking off your clothes for a nude video call
2) Okay, it actually still kind of is about taking off your clothes for a nude video call
But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself at the moment. "If You're Too Shy" takes a page out of the book of the previous albums' "It's Not Living" and "The Sound" and goes all out. With the bombastic chorus, an amazing sax solo, and lyrics 10x more catchy than they have any right to be, it's hard not to bop along. It also features the first appearance of FKA Twigs (stream Don't Judge Me) on the album as a backing vocalist.
Really the song is so bright and upbeat that I almost don't care what it's about. He could be describing a perfect recipe for banana bread, or talking about how nice the weather is. Regardless, there is still a lyrical part of this song. And what subject are we onto this time? Why, sexy online messaging of course! Which is actually… pretty fitting for when the track was released considering many were stuck in lockdown.
Matty still has a lot of the same fears as other songs on the album, but here we can see him start to build up his confidence. All so he can show off his privates to some random internet lady. Just kidding. (Kind of). Though the lyrics are played a bit tongue in cheek, it's not literally talking about calls in the nude (well, I guess it still could be but it's not the principal focus anyways). Really the removal of clothes is the singer opening up and letting this woman see him at his most revealed and vulnerable, both mentally ^{and maybe physically.}
 
Track 17: Playing On My Mind

I think I've seen the side of every road / They all lead somewhere, I've been told

Sad acoustic 1975 time? Then let's bring Phoebe Bridgers back again on backing vocals! Continuing the anxious theme of the past, the lyrics follow up by looking toward the future and figuring out how Matty's going to fuck that up instead. Or at least how he think he will. And how he thinks he already has. From the starting "Will I live and die in a band?". We've got a window into a bunch of his biggest worries in life.
It's easy to get caught up in your own mind sometimes. As shown from previous tracks on the album, it's not like he lacks regrets. Is there anything that he can do to stop creating more? If he thinks about his life in advance will it prevent him from making the same mistakes? Not likely. Turns out messing up is just a part of life. "See, I keep getting this stuff wrong, take me out, put me on". Still, it's hard not to worry when it keeps happening again and again.
 
Track 18: Having No Head

How's your head?

The final instrumental of the album and, honestly, the only one I actually remember exists. The 6 minute runtime allows the track to actually build up and do something interesting. The instruments on the track take on elements from house and trance music. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but at least it feels like they thought about how it should fit onto the album unlike the other two (and a half) instrumentals.
 
Track 19: What Should I Say

What should I say? / Tell 'em the things that you told me / What should I say?

Before diving too far into the lyrical side, can I talk about how fantastic the production is here!? This is second track on the album to feature backing vocals from Twigs and another that follows the electronic influence. Twigs provides some absolutely haunting vocal effects throughout the song. It's all very controlled for the most part, yet something there's an air of anxiety to the vocals, plus the production keeps up the speed and doesn't slow down. The lyrics aren't too detailed, but the minimal use of words is all that's needed.
So let's go back to "Roadkill" and all the other controversies caused by Matty putting his foot in his mouth. This song (along with Frail State and Tonight) really help me understand The 1975 "please Matty stop talking" experience from his side. Really it's about how anxious Matty feels being in the public eye. This track in particular shows his particular issue of not knowing what to do or say under pressure, but still feeling the pressure to say something. Anything. Despite practicing what to do and what to say in advance, he still feels the heat and often messes up because of it. He's looking for any kind of excuse for his behaviour, but at the end of the day he feels that it's all on himself. Sometimes he doesn't understand what he said to cause pushback ("Must have been something you were saying"), but it doesn't always stop him from panicking about it. Sometimes he does finally realize the full impact of his words ("What did I say"), but it's already too late.
 
Track 20: Bagsy Not In Net

And leaving you here is the thing that I fear, so I fight it

Another track following on the electronic train. The production on this one is nice, but after 19 songs before this I couldn't blame people if they forgot it. At this point the band probably would have had enough music for a full electronic-inspired album instead of this weird hybrid. According to Matty, the song is about a couple taking the words "til death do us part" literally. The lead is trying to hold on to life to avoid leaving his partner behind. Asking "Do you want to leave at the same time?" in the chorus refers to the act of passing on together. It's a sweet song that probably could have been built on a little more (especially since it was one of the last to be added to the album), but it works for the most part.
 
Track 21: Don't Worry

Don't worry, darling, the sun will shine through

On "Don't Worry", we've got the albums third feature, Tim Healy (Matty's father). In fact, he's the one who wrote most of the lyrics! I don't have much to say about the track itself. It's a sweet ballad (a common theme with these last 3 tracks) told to a loved one. In specific this case father to son, but it's general enough to apply to any relationship. It's a song of reassurance. Given the fears and anxieties that have been expressed earlier in the album, it's always good to know that someone is in your corner, whether it's family (this song) or friends (the next).
 
Track 22: Guys
7th Single (May 13, 2020) | Popheads Discussion

You guys are the best thing that ever happened to me

The seventh and final single released also happens to be the final track of the album. Guys is a sickeningly sweet song giving thanks to Matty's bandmates for sticking with him after all this time. Lyrically it’s very specific to Matty’s own experiences - living with his friends, being in a band with his friends, traveling to Japan with his friends, etc. And at the end of the day this is the sincere closer the album needed.
I'm going to be honest, I'm kind of a sucker about nostalgic tracks like this. Say what you want about the posturing and pretentiousness of the other songs, but anyone can tell that this is an earnest effort to give genuine thanks to his friends. Really it (and also The Birthday Party) does a good job showing that the band isn't primarily making music for the fame or the fans or the money. They just enjoy what they do; it's all something they started together and its what drives them to continue. The true Notes were the friends he made along the way, in a way.
Another thing this track made me realize is that I truly believe everything Matty Healy says out loud he fully believes in. Are some of his takes incredibly useless, shortsighted, and ignorant? Oh for sure. But I don't believe he's doing it to get any sort of clout. Him and the rest of the band are a bunch of friends from some town out of England that have managed a monumental growth to stardom. They aren't always prepared so they do what they think is best. Is that an excuse for some of the shit he pulls sometimes? Definitely not. At the end of the day they're all grown adults that can be accountable for their own actions. But the track, and the album as the whole, help show why Matty feels he needs to speak all the time, his anxieties with fame and life, and how he can still keep going forward with the band's music.
Overall Thoughts On the Album
It's a mess for sure. And I love it. It's a mess and I love it. I love it because it's a mess. I'm not sure I would love it as much if it wasn't a mess. Odd eh? Despite all my gripes about the band and the album, I still love it. I think this would probably be the last 1975 album I would recommend newcomers listen to, but it does a great job (whether intentional or not) capturing their essence.
I still think "If You're Too Shy" is my favourite track on its own, but "Guys" ties everything together so perfectly. It's responsible for it being an album I can say I enjoy as a whole, instead of a collection of tracks I kind of like. Are there songs that I skip nearly every time I listen to the album? 100%. But at least I can tell what the band was trying to accomplish. Also want to mention the non-single combo of I Think There's Something You Should Know - Nothing Revealed / Everything Denied - Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy) - Playing On My Mind - What Should I Say is a captivating and underrated representation of fear and anxiety. It's not a far departure from the themes of their earlier work, but it works for a reason.
It's a great imperfect album. There are some parts that get on my nerves, but at the end of the day it works with the theme of the album. If I had to make a (kind of weird) comparison, it's very similar to my love for Closer (yes that Closer - and I know rate people are probably sick of the song by now). Closer is about dumb kids making dumb decisions. And they fully believe in their decisions. Does it make the choices any less dumb? Heck no! The listener knows their reasoning for being together is so obviously flawed. But for that it is both captivating, and (at times) relatable. Looking from the outside it's obviously wrong, but for the ones experiencing it they have very little idea how to make things right. It's not a defense to those actions, but can definitely make it more relatable and understandable.
One point I haven't mentioned much that comes up often on the album is the idea of cancel culture. This part... I'm a little mixed on. I don't want to use a review about an overly long 1975 album to start a huge discourse about it, but it comes up a few times and can't be ignored when talking about celebrities making dumb decisions. I think there are definitely cases where the internet can be overzealous shutting down someone's career over past things said (especially if a genuine self-reflection or apology is issued). In more serious cases there are also some that will defend their favourites with the same reasoning, even though there are serious conversations that should probably be had. In severe cases there are also times that cancel culture has shown to have no effect when it really should (look at... well basically any of the successes that Chris Brown or Dr. Luke are still experiencing).
But going back to the album: whether each point is right or wrong isn't what the album's about. It's about the process of fucking up sometimes. And how it happens to everyone. The stuff that can ruin relationships or create a missed opportunity or anything makes you wonder if you could have done better. It happens and it hurts. And sometimes it's over something dumb (see: every 1975 controversy). Sometimes you know you fucked up. And sometimes you feel you are still in the right (and sometimes you are!). Either way, it happens. You can try to plan and overthink and worry, but it will happen. And this album is a fantastic representation of that mix of regret, worry, self-reflection, and self-frustration that follows.
Am I reaching for points with very little basis? Probably. But I've listened to this 22-song album so many times I want to at least get something out of it.

For those skipping to the end

TL;DR: This is a great album that messes up its execution at times. It's also about people messing up. It's not perfect and it's much more interesting because of that. It's also a bit bloated and they really q could have cut it down a little.
Recommendations: All of the singles, Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied, Playing On My Mind, Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy), What Should I Say
Discussion Points

1. Let's get the big one out of the way first: What are your thoughts on the album? Did you enjoy it? Hate it? Somewhere in between?
2. What direction or sound should the band go with for the next album?
3. For those who listen to versions of albums you’ve personally altered (either by shortening, adding to, or rearranging the tracklist), do you take your edited or the original into account when considering your enjoyment of the album (or a bit of both)?
4. Genre-hopping: can it work on an album where fans are expecting one, but get something different? Do you think albums should mostly stick to one consistent sound?
5. There is often talk (not just in the music sphere) about authenticity of celebrities when championing social causes. Sometimes it's all for clout, sometimes it's important to speak up, sometimes the artist speaks up and then you realize you wish they didn't. Do you feel celebrities have an obligation to speak up for social causes? Or should they keep out of those discussions?
6. On a lighter note: Come up with a worse two-emoji cover for this album than 🥾🌍

First, let me wish everyone that celebrates a very Merry Christmas. I’m personally not a big fan of holidays, and I am even less of a fan of getting into petty arguments with family members. Therefore, my first “tip” is to try and get through the day without thinking about lockdowns, COVID case numbers, or the news. However, chances are if you are celebrating with other people today, then this topic will inevitably come up. If you’re anything like me, it will be hard to bite your tongue or simply look for an excuse to change the subject, especially when blatantly wrong information gets discussed. So, if you must get into a discussion about this, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Emphasize the Negative Consequences of Lockdowns – The main problem with the way that the average person views lockdowns are that they believe there are no inherent negative effects of lockdowns. They think that any increase in suicides or domestic abuse is minimal and that the only bad thing about lockdowns is that you can’t go to the movies or hang out with your friends at the pub. This is the origin of the fallacious selfish argument and must be dispelled at once. Lockdowns kill. Mention that the suicide rate is way up. There have been articles posted on the sub about how one in four young adults in America has contemplated suicide this year. This is not minimal. Also, mention the other widespread negative effects. Businesses that survived WWII bombings have been forced to close, the eradication of polio has been halted to redirect resources to COVID (Prof. Gupta mentions this in Collateral Global, the link is on our sidebar if you need something to show people), malaria and tuberculosis deaths are up, etc. This is not to mention what a lack of socialization does to people. There is a reason prolonged solitary confinement is considered torture. There are honestly a never-ending plethora of negative effects of lockdowns to choose from, but I would focus on things that will relate to your family members. This means things like their favorite coffee shop going out of business, Steve down the block unable to get his “elective” surgery and being in extreme pain for months, or Vicki next door not being able to get a mammogram and as a result, not detecting cancer before it is too late. To offer an effect that is not discussed often enough, many students attending university do so as a way out of a bad situation. This has been delayed for god knows how long. Emphasize one of these for every “positive” thing lockdowns do.
2. Focus on Human Rights Based Arguments – If Reddit is any indicator, another problem is that people see this as an issue of personal freedom rather than human rights. Now, I am not diminishing personal freedom, but chances are that whomever you are discussing this with has decided that controlling the spread of coronavirus is more important than your freedom to get a cup of coffee. Make it clear that lockdowns go against human rights. These rights are there so that when something like this happens and the majority of people want to ignore human rights, they don’t get ignored. I’m sure that hate groups feel that whatever group of people they hate should all be driven out of the country. However, this does not happen. Why? Because people have rights. Has this happened before? Of course it has. Perhaps the best example is the Japanese internment camps during WWII. That is what happens when a government decides an emergency takes precedence over human rights. The crux of this argument is that it does not matter how bad COVID is. If lockdowns violate human rights, they cannot happen. In case you need examples, here are some from the UN Declaration of Human Rights:
Article 12.
No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.
Article 13.
(1) Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.
(2) Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.
Article 20.
(1) Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association.
(2) No one may be compelled to belong to an association.
Article 23.
(1) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favourable conditions of work and to protection against unemployment.
(2) Everyone, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work.
(3) Everyone who works has the right to just and favourable remuneration ensuring for himself and his family an existence worthy of human dignity, and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection.
(4) Everyone has the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests.
Article 26.
(1) Everyone has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit.
(2) Education shall be directed to the full development of the human personality and to the strengthening of respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace.
(3) Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children.
3. Ask Them How Long They Will Support Lockdowns – I have a very pro lockdown family member and I have discussed lockdowns with him at different points throughout all this. In early March, he was agreeing with me about how ridiculous it was that universities were closing. In April, he told me that my summer program in Edinburgh would “absolutely happen” (spoiler: it was canceled) and that universities being online in the Fall was an absurd fear to have. Fast forward to December where he is completely on board the “nothing in person until COVID zero” train. This is how it happens. In April, nobody would ever think that locking down until a vaccine was reasonable except for the most extreme pro lockdowners. In January, I doubt many people would have supported lockdowns in general. The goalposts are being moved so slowly but surely that people don’t even realize that they would not have ever supported this. If lockdowns actually lasted for only two weeks, I believe many of us here would understand the attempt, but this is ten months. In those ten months, we have gone from lockdowns to all sorts of absurd restrictions and no real talks of reopening (if concerts are not allowed to happen with full capacity, no distancing, and no other security theatre, then as far as I am concerned we are still in lockdown), so ask what their limit is. This will let you know what you are dealing with and will force them to reflect on all this.
4. Hold Your Ground – Pro lockdowners love emotional arguments and straw men. This is how they often shut down any form of discussion without needing to defend their position. Remarks like “do you WANT grandma to DIE” or “you’re a selfish sociopath” immediately put the other person on the defensive and gives the pro lockdowner the moral ground. Do not let this happen. If somebody asks if you want grandma to die, but answer calmly “no, of course, I don’t want that, but I also don’t want other people to suffer and die, which they do from lockdowns.” Regarding the selfish argument, ask whether it is more selfish to force others to stay at home and abide by restrictions for over a year because you are scared, or to want to live your life normally, and also point out that people who wish to stay at home are free to do so. The best counter to this sort of emotional non sequitur is logic and remaining reasonable. It also does not hurt to give them the lockdown version of whatever it is (i.e. “you just want to get a haircut and party” can be replied to with a similar emotionally hitting message such as “actually I’d like to not have to worry about making rent this month and I would really like it if we didn’t continue to cause children to die from curable diseases because they can’t find a doctor but sure, a haircut would be nice too, I don’t want my barber to be forced out of his apartment either.”). As for masks, don’t take the bait. Just say “we’re talking about lockdowns, not masks,” and return to your original point.
5. Leave Politics Out of it – So many people, at least in America, will accuse you of being a Trump supporter simply for announcing any skepticism of lockdowns. This is another emotional argument. If you do not support Trump, point out that you are not a Trump supporter and that accusing you of being one makes no sense. Then, return to the discussion that they have attempted to derail. If you did vote for Trump, point out that this has nothing to do with Trump or his policies. Mention that this is not a partisan issue and that two of the three primary signers of the Great Barrington Declaration identify as left-wing, as do Stefan Baral and many others.
5. Understand That You Will Probably Not Convince Them – While I understand that it is frustrating that others are not convinced the fact of the matter is that they probably won’t be. You could have the most rational and logically sound argument ever and they will still dismiss it. The purpose here is to make others at least see your perspective. This is arguably the most important point. Any rational discussion has been silenced and dissenters classified under conspiracy theorists or horrible people. We see this in the dehumanization of how some of these people treat us. There are people that actively wish lockdown skeptics harm and use dehumanizing terms such as “covidiot” or “plague rat,” the latter of which is very offensive to me considering the history of rats being used to describe Jews during WWII. Dehumanization is a powerful tool because it allows one to ignore human rights and treat their fellow human beings as less than a person. Therefore, I think that the main thing to be accomplished through discussions like these with family members or others is to get that message across. “I am a person and lockdowns are hurting me.”
Concluding Thoughts – Again, if possible I would avoid this conversation but somehow someone always brings it up. For me, one of the worst things about the pandemic has been that you cannot escape from it. Politicians love war time comparisons, but during war, people carry on and go to the movies, the theatre, or whatever else to escape. Nobody wants to be reminded of COVID 24/7, yet that is what is happening now. In my opinion, it’s a form of mental torture, but that is a topic for another post. The point is, I think that it is important to not be aggressive about it, but not to hide your views either. There is strength in numbers, and because of lockdowns, we cannot truly know how many of us there are. When I was at the university in March, there were definitely many people that felt the way I did. If lockdowns were not happening, it would be easier to see and to organize, but unfortunately, this is not possible, so the best thing you can do is be clear where you stand without forcing it down other’s throats. Hopefully, the above suggestions will help with this, and please add some that I missed in the comments!

So, this is going to be a bit hard for me to talk about, and I reckon it'll be hard for many of you to read about as well. But I feel it's something that needs to be said and heard.
Including a warning here: I will discuss subjects such as pedophilia/ephebophilia and child grooming in this essay. Discretion is advised.
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I've been reluctant to write about Tchaikovsky for a while now- and by that, I mean to say, about what I've recently learned about Tchaikovsky a few months ago. For a long time, Tchaikovsky's music has remained very close to my heart- and although my opinion on Tchaikovsky the person has certainly changed for reasons I'm about to discuss, I have a feeling I cannot say the same about his music. It holds high sentimental value for me- particularly the First Piano Concerto, which helped me through a very difficult time in my personal life and, without that piece, I probably would have given up on my passion for art music altogether. I've written about Tchaikovsky before and how I admired his ability to express emotional vulnerability. I own a t-shirt with his face on it. Hell, my username is literally a playful pun on "Tchaikovsky" and "chicken nugget," which I was very proud to have come up with (and still think was pretty clever of me, I have to admit). So, for a very long time, I have held Tchaikovsky in very high regard.
The same can be said for many musicians and music enthusiasts around the world. Members of the LGBT+ community may find solace in the fact that the composer of such beautiful, famous music was attracted to people of the same sex, and those who have done a bit of research may have read the sufficient amount of primary evidence that suggests he was unashamed of it. Russians (and people of Russian descent) may be proud to know that such an iconic composer shares their national heritage. Dancers, musicians, and singers may appreciate his contributions to ballet, music, and opera. "The Nutcracker" alone is forever synonymous with winter holiday nostalgia. Tchaikovsky has been called many things: A martyr, a hero, an icon, an example to strive to emulate.
As much as people may call him all of those things, and as much as we can debate whether or not he fits those descriptions, unfortunately, there is something else Tchaikovsky was not as famous for, but still existed as a major part of his life that is constantly ignored or dismissed- grooming and pedophilia.
Before I discuss prominent examples- and there are multiple- of this, I would like to provide some background information and clear some things up. Although it is unknown how many of the young men I am about to discuss had sexual relations with Tchaikovsky, as censors in the Soviet Union cut out much of this evidence in documents such as letters and diaries, there is definite evidence that Tchaikovsky was clearly attracted to adolescent males, and had sexual relations with at least one of them (more on this later). I use the term "pedophilia" here because although Tchaikovsky's attraction towards these people started while they were usually very young, in some cases, it is difficult to tell what age they were when this attraction began. A more accurate term for most of these cases would be "ephebophilia," or a grown adult's sexual attraction towards teenagers. It is also plausible- and in fact, very possible- that Tchaikovsky did not view his attraction towards youths to be unnatural or wrong, but I, as someone from the 21st century examining history, still do not believe this excuses his actions. Also, this should go without saying, but I do not seek to condemn Tchaikovsky's homosexuality or "out" him, but rather address the issue of Tchaikovsky being regarded as an LGBT+ "icon" by many people of today and why I find such a description to be problematic when addressing someone whose actions today would be described as grooming and pedophilia/ephebophilia. My main sources for research are the Tchaikovsky Research Center's website, along with Alexander Poznansky's biography, "Tchaikovsky: The Quest for the Inner Man," which cites many crucial primary sources.
First, I would like to talk about Eduard Zak (sometimes written as "Sak" or "Sack"), a student of Tchaikovsky's. Tchaikovsky and Zak's relationship was known to be close, although the extent of this closeness has been called into question. Tchaikovsky referred to Zak with the diminutive of "Edya" and used the informal "you" (ты) with him, but details about their relationship remain murky. Some people theorize that Tchaikovsky wrote his Romeo and Juliet Overture with Zak in mind; although it is unknown whether or not this is the case, Zak was fifteen when the Overture was written, which, according to Poznansky, was the age which Tchaikovsky considered to be "the peak of male adolescent beauty." At this time, Tchaikovsky was twenty-eight. Regardless of the Romeo and Juliet Overture and its possible meanings, Zak took his own life in 1873, at the age of nineteen. Tchaikovsky would write this in his diary about fourteen years later, confirming romantic attraction:

"Again thought of and recalled Zak. How amazingly clearly I remember him: the sound of his voice, his movements, but especially the extraordinarily wonderful expression on his face at times. I cannot conceive that he should now be no more. His death, that is, complete nonexistence, is beyond my comprehension. It seems to me that I have never loved anyone so strongly as him. My God! no matter what they told me then and how I try to console myself, my guilt before him is terrible! And at the same time I loved him, that is, not loved, but love him still, and his memory is sacred to me!"

Another documented but little-known attraction of Tchaikovsky's was that to a boy known to us only as Vittorio, an Italian street singer. When on vacation in Florence, Tchaikovsky wrote to Nadezhda von Meck, his friend and patroness, that while in the city, he saw:

"a young boy of about ten or eleven singing to the accompaniment of a guitar. He sang in a wonderful rich voice with a finish and warmth such as are rarely met, even in genuine artists. Most curious of all was that he was singing a song with words of a most tragic nature, which sounded uncommonly sweet on the lips of a child."

Two months later, Tchaikovsky wrote to his brother Anatoly that:

"to meet and once more hear the singing of that divine boy has become my life's goal in Florence [...] After dinner I gadded about in the hope of meeting [a word here is cut out by censors, according to Poznansky], but without success. Yet, a different joy lay in store for me. On the Lungarno I came across some street singers and asked them directly if they knew our boy. It turned out they did, and they gave their word that he would be on the Lugnarno at nine o'clock."

Tchaikovsky continued to write that he canceled an "amorous rendezvous" to meet with the boy, who sang the song "Pimpinella" for him. "Pimpinella" also appears as one of the songs set in Tchaikovsky's "Six Songs" (Op. 38). What follows afterwards has been censored from the letter after the phrase, "Since that evening, I have been utterly filled with one feeling[...]". Later letters inform us that Vittorio sang for Tchaikovsky again, in Tchaikovsky's hotel room and in carnival costume.
Perhaps the most well-known adolescents Tchaikovsky showed romantic attraction towards was his nephew, Vladimir "Bob" Davydov. While "Bob" was Tchaikovsky's favourite nephew, Tchaikovsky's brother, Modest, recounted that:

" Before proceeding to a chronological account of the events of the last period in Pyotr Ilyich's life it remains only for us to note at this point the strengthening of one of his greatest attachments. There were three sons in the family of Aleksandr Ilyinichna Davydova. The second eldest of them, Vladimir, from the first years of his coming into the world was always Pyotr Ilyich's favourite, but until the 1880s this preference was not of a serious character. Pyotr Ilyich would pamper him more than the other members of the family and that was all. But from the time the child began to turn into a young man, his uncle's sympathy for him began to grow, and little by little he came to love the boy as he had loved his own twin brothers in childhood. Despite the difference in ages, he never tired in the company of his favourite, felt anguish at their separation, confided his most intimate thoughts to him, and in the end made him his principal heir, entrusting him with the care of all those whose fate after his death worried him."

Bob was born in 1871, so according to Modest Tchaikovsky, Pyotr Ilyich's attraction for him would have started while Bob was around about 13-16 years old. While previously, Tchaikovsky had frequently detailed a fondness for Bob, it did not seem to be romantically-oriented until around when Bob reached his teenage years. As noted in Tchaikovsky's diary from his time in Kamenka, a district in the Ukrainian Cherkasy oblast, where Bob's family lived, Tchaikovsky made many references to his time with Bob being a source of pleasure for him in 1884 (Bob being 13 years old at the time). Tchaikovsky Research cites pages from Tchaikovsky's own diary, linked below, from his summer in Kamenka that year:

24 April/6 May— "All day Bob was a sight to behold; how incomparably sweet he looks in his little white suit".26 April/8 May — "Bob walked around the garden with me and then he dropped in to see me. Ah, what a delight this Bob is!"18/30 May— "Afterwards sat on the roof with Bob (where I would only venture for the sake of this angel!) [...]After supper I played, at Bob's request, a special game—secret—a most silly game"19/31 May— "Walked to the cliffs with golubchik [Bob], where we met up with a boating party, and then I returned home with him. Bob and I called in at the green house and sat with [a neighbour]. I played Bob some children's songs […] I was at the piano. Bob was inexpressibly fascinated that I could play quadrilles on the themes he proposed."
22 May/3 June— "Bob came to see me before lunch and I played him my songs [...]. I was going to work after tea, but Bob distracted me with his stilts [...] I went out a few times, looking for Bob. As soon as I stop working or walking (and that is also work for me), I start to long for Bob and to miss him. I love him so terribly".
31 May/12 June— "For about two hours after lunch I was inseparable from my wonderful, incomparable Bob; at first he lounged about on the balcony, and on a bench, languished enchantingly and prattled on about my works [...]. Then he sat in my room and made me play".
2/14 June— "After supper sat with Bob in study and chatted about school matters".
3/15 June— "It's a strange thing, but I desperately don't want to leave this place. I think that it is all to do with Bob."

Bob, who had told Modest that he was also homosexual, however, took interest in a classmate of his, Baron Rudolph Buchshoevden. Tchaikovsky showed intense jealousy for Bob's attention and hatred towards Buchshoevden as a result. In 1893, Tchaikovsky wrote to Bob:

"I remember that you wrote from Vichy every day, very willingly, and not only to Rudy [Buchshoevden], but to Sanya, Koka [diminutives referring to Bob's mother, Aleksandra Davydova, and Tchaikovsky's second cousin, Konstantin Litke, respectively], etc. So you might write to Rudy every day, and to Sanya and Koka once a week, yet to me barely once a month. By God I never claimed to be worthy of special attention, but I'm just sad that you take such little interest in me. Are you a full-fledged egoist? Anyway, I'm no longer sorry."

That same letter details that Tchaikovsky dedicated his Sixth Symphony to Bob. He wrote:

"I'm very pleased with its content, but dissatisfied, or rather not completely satisfied, with the instrumentation. For some reason it's not coming out as I intended. To me it would be typical and unsurprising if this symphony were torn to pieces or little appreciated, for it wouldn't be for the first time that had happened. But I absolutely consider it to be the best, and in particular, the most sincere of all my creations. I love it as I have never loved any of my other musical offspring."

There are many other examples of Tchaikovsky's attraction towards boys and young men I could detail here- for example, Nikolai "Kolya" Konradi, a deaf and mute boy who Modest Tchaikovsky had begun tutoring when Kolya was eight. Tchaikovsky wrote that he found himself "completely and forever enchanted by Kolya" and that a "deep compassion for him grew in geometrical progression by the minute." More concerning, however, was that to Kolya himself, Tchaikovsky wrote,

"I kiss you warmly 1,000,000,000 times,
-Petya."

The "I kiss you warmly" bit isn't the strange part; but the fact that Tchaikovsky chose to sign his name with the diminutive "Petya," rather than the formal "Pyotr Iliyich" or maybe "P. I. Tchaikovsky." A diminutive, especially in this context, denotes closeness, and is especially unusual in a letter from an adult man to a young child. To provide an English analogy, that would be like a grown man named, for example, "Thomas Smith," signing a letter to a child with "Tommy."
Previously in this essay, I mentioned the fact that Tchaikovsky had sexual relations with at least one adolescent as an adult, in perhaps what is, to me, the most disturbing case out of all of these. Although this case would be possibly considered normal in Tchaikovsky's time and culture due to the rigid class structures left behind from Russian serfdom, which was abolished in 1861 but still was responsible for deep, lasting inequalities between social classes after the fact, the relationship between Tchaikovsky and his young servant, Alexei "Alyosha" Sofronov, would today be highly frowned upon.
Around 1871, Tchaikovsky hired Alyosha's brother, Mikhail, as a servant. Mikhail, 23 at the time, had previously worked for Fyodor Laub, another conservatory professor. However, Tchaikovsky found him spoiled, and as Poznansky points out, "already past the age that [Tchaikovsky] would always consider attractive." He then "at the first opportunity" hired Alyosha, who was twelve years old at the time "despite his utter lack of experience in this occupation" and dismissed Mikhail. Already, the circumstances appear troubling. Alyosha has, again, no experience working as a servant, and Mikhail, his more experienced brother, is dismissed, making it appear that Tchaikovsky hired Alyosha for no reason other than the possibility that he was attracted to him. Alyosha was required to be with Tchaikovsky nearly all of the time. In 1874, Tchaikovsky wrote to Modest that "the very thought of Alyosha causes a painful longing in me," and in 1875, wrote, "I sleep in the same room and am quite heartsick that my dear Lyonya [Alyosha], of whom I think constantly, is not with me as he was last year." And in a letter to Alyosha himself in 1876, Tchaikovsky wrote, "My dear Lyonya! I have missed you terribly," after which follows another cut from the Soviet censors, which Poznansky describes as "suspicious".
Poznansky also informs us that Alyosha was, "at one point, without a doubt, Tchaikovsky's lover" and that "even Soviet commentators [...] do not dismiss this fact." We do not know at what point their relationship became sexual, but Tchaikovsky wrote in December 1877, "he [Alyosha] has understood reasonably well what I need from him right now, and he more than satisfies all my demands." Alyosha would be about 18 at the time; Tchaikovsky would be 37. Poznansky also says that in later editions, this segment is deleted from Tchaikovsky's correspondence, heavily implying a sexual connotation. Although Tchaikovsky kept Alyosha in a state of submissiveness throughout his life due to his social status and wrote that "it is surprising how nice [Alyosha] can be when you keep him in the position of a lackey, and how he immediately becomes spoiled when you [...] live with him not as a servant but as a comrade" (1879), he was rarely angry at Alyosha and was in fact very depressed when Alyosha was drafted into the military years from then. Alyosha, from all accounts I have read, appeared utterly devoted to Tchaikovsky (although did not keep up a sexual relation with him), which could possibly signify psychological repression of trauma at worst, or possibly a disbelief that, due to his social status and position as a servant, his adolescent relationship with a much older Tchaikovsky was abnormal. Alyosha's letters to Tchaikovsky are archived in Klin, Russia, and unfortunately are not available online. I have tried to contact Poznansky for further information on Tchaikovsky and Alyosha's relationship, who now works as a research librarian at Yale, but have not been able to reach him. Therefore, I have not been able to gather evidence as to whether or not Alyosha's devotion to Tchaikovsky after what would today be very possibly considered sexual abuse and grooming was a result of psychological trauma or his idea of fulfilling a societal role.
Whether or not Tchaikovsky's actions were a "product of his time," I believe that we cannot call him an "icon" or someone to look up to, because nowadays, what he did would certainly be considered predatory. That being said, I do believe we can still enjoy Tchaikovsky's music knowing these biographical details, as music in itself can be interpreted in any way and does not necessarily reflect the composer. Listening to Tchaikovsky does not automatically mean the listener supports his actions. Although LGBT+ figures are disproportionately underrepresented in the world of art music- and this may be why so many people, even those who are aware of Tchaikovsky's pedophilia/ephebophilia, are reluctant to share this information- there are plenty of LGBT+ musicians, both past and present, that deserve recognition for their work as well (and if you'd like to check out present-day LGBT+ composers and musicians, the Institute for Composer Diversity is a great place to start). While I believe we can still consider Tchaikovsky to be a great composer, it's important to separate the art from the artist and not ignore his personal flaws in favour of enjoying his music.
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Edit: A lot of people seem to have missed the entire point of my essay. Tl;dr: Don't idolize Tchaikovsky just because he was gay; he did some stuff that today would be considered pretty messed up, so IMO, people of today shouldn't call him an "icon." Being gay in itself wasn't the problem; it's the fact that he groomed adolescents. Separate the art from the artist; it's okay to like his music without admiring him as a person. I'm not trying to attack Tchaikovsky; I'm trying to let people today know that he isn't someone to be idolized.

This will contain spoilers for the manga, right up to Chapter 166. If you haven’t read the manga, go read the fucking manga. I’m not going to be able to deconstruct the Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint if you don’t have the fucking viewpoint. I ain’t no fucking miracle working
goddess. So go read the fucking manga.
“It’s nothing like renting so, it’s only natural that no one’s just gonna be like, ‘Yeah, sure!’”
When you consider the series as a whole, it’s very easy to think things like “Why doesn’t he just ask her out? Or “Why doesn’t she just tell him?” We know how simple it would really be if one of them just confessed, if they just sat down and talked about this like goddamn adults for five minutes. There’ve been so many points in this story where if they had just been a little clearer, just been a bit more honest, pressed something, or read an expression from the other the way it was intended, they’d be dating ages ago. It’s easy to think that they’re just two incredibly dense morons who only share one brain cell.
I mean, they are two incredibly dense morons who only share one brain cell.
But the thing we have to remember is that we as readers have a view of the series that these two characters don’t. We assume that the characters can see everything that we see. We often forget that these are two different people who are experiencing this story through a filter. There’s so much stuff they miss out on that would really change the way they see things.
This is what I call the Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint. We often label decisions, interpretations, readings and moments as correct or incorrect based on that viewpoint. By considering events from this viewpoint, we miss out on motivations, levels of understanding, and we can incorrectly pass judgement on them. The three prevailing questions that come up that I feel are heavily affected by the Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint are “Why didn’t Kazuya hug Chizuru?” and “Why isn’t Chizuru doing more for Kazuya?” and of course...
“So why don’t they just date already?”
To really unpack just how and why these characters are making the decisions they’re making, what their motivations are, and what hangups are playing into these decisions, we’re going to have to go through the entire manga… twice. We need to note what events they experience, and what they take from them. We also have to note what events they miss, so that we can separate our knowledge from their knowledge.
Also, even when these characters experience these events, they don’t pick up everything. Some things fly over their head, just as much as they can ours. So, if you find an event missing, or a hint that is not acknowledged. It’s missing on purpose. Trust me, I have seen everything.
Note: This piece builds off of the Mirrored Journey theory. The theory that both Kazuya and Chizuru are falling for each other at a very similar cadence. So if you’re still unsure that Chizuru actually loves Kazuya, give that a read. And if you’re still unsure if Kazuya loves Chizuru… yeah, idk either, he’s probably just from Canada and is just being polite.
Still, Kazuya’s perspective is probably a good place to start.

Kazuya’s Viewpoint: Distance, The Iron Lady, and the Unattainable Dream.

Kazuya’s perspective is going to be easy to look at. Kazuya’s perspective is always easy to look at. Outside of some rare occasions, we follow his perspective throughout the entire series. Thus, like with my piece outlining his growth up to the start of the movie arc, we’re able to follow the narrative through line and understand where he’s coming from. All we need to do is strip away the moments he doesn’t experience, and detail how they change our perspective of the series, but not his.
At the start of the series, Kazuya has low expectations for who he’s about to meet. He expects the Rental Girlfriend experience to just be a shallow, meaningless mess. “Just because I’m lonely after my ex dumped me… I’m basically going for a prostitute.” What he gets is… not that. Conflicted for… many reasons, he hires her again so he can give her a piece of her mind. This is when he finally gets to meet the real Ichinose Chizuru. And uhh… she’s not exactly gonna take it lying down.
This sets the stage for exactly the kind of girl Kazuya see’s. Feisty, indomitable, mixed with a little bit of kindness. These are all the things Kazuya see’s, all the things Kazuya knows. It also sets the stage for exactly the kind of girl Kazuya doesn’t see. And this pattern continues. All Kazuya sees, time and time again, is someone bailing him out of trouble. Someone who has to deal with his mistakes. Someone who wears a strong face and can call it just another day on the job. He doesn’t see what drives her. He doesn’t see how she reacts. He doesn’t see what she’s thinking about. Which leads to the first hang up that Kazuya finds himself stuck on.
“Mizuhara Chizuru is a ‘rental girlfriend’... She’s only here because I’m paying her.”
Kazuya has no understanding of what a rental girlfriend is supposed to be. No understanding of what the appropriate relationship is supposed to look like. So everything he sees. The moments of kindness. The moments of encouragement. It’s all just another day at the office. He’s not special, and thinking otherwise is incorrect. Which makes his catching feelings quite problematic.
Through all this, the Chizuru he sees is leaps and bounds a better person than he is. Stronger, kinder, and more correct. Most importantly, every time he reaches out, and receives a response he doesn’t expect, he’s soon followed by being set straight. Which leads us to the first crux moment of Kazuya’s perspective of the relationship.
“Are you in love with me?”
Hold on, we may need to rewind a sec. Last time we see these two together before this scene, things are actually working out okay for Kazuya. Chizuru’s sharing aspects of her personal life with him. He also gets a Christmas present (lucky boy). For Kazuya, this is unprecedented, not just in this relationship, but in any relationship. He… takes it well. After reflecting on it, he starts to think the unthinkable, they’re getting closer.
Unfortunately, no. Everyone’s getting something. Which is to be expected. I mean, she is their ‘girlfriend’. Imagine thinking you just got closer to someone, and then you had all those hopes dashed on the rocks.
And then you get asked if you’ve caught feelings.
What’s important here is not to be honest, but to be correct. And so Kazuya chooses what he thinks is the correct option. No. What follows is probably the worst set of sentences Kazuya could possibly hear in this situation. “The only reason we’re keeping the image of ‘lovers’ going is for the sake of our grandmothers.” “It seems like Ruka got the wrong idea, but I am, at the end of the day, a ‘rental’ girlfriend”
“If you started to have feelings, it would be a different story.”
Ouch. Wanna know what that does? Creates his second hang up. If she finds out his real feelings, she will leave him.
Which makes this moment especially awkward for him. Because to Kazuya, nothing’s changed. He misses this conversation Chizuru has with Ruka. He misses this cryptic moment with Kuri. He sees a girl who withdraws coolly when Ruka shows up. A girl interested in setting him up with someone else. Kazuya has no reason to believe her stance on the matter has changed.
So when he confesses, he has no choice but to walk it back. If he wants to stay close to her, that is. And after he does, he goes back to his room to ruminate on what a fuck up he is. He doesn’t get to see how she reacted to it.
And when he sees her next, she’s… fine. Well, fine is a bit of a stretch, sure. But Kazuya gets no indication their relationship has changed. And after his big moment telling her he’ll support her, what is he met with? Defining expectations, telling him it’s unnecessary and “sort of… unhealthy”.
Even the big relationship changing moment is fraught with this type of stuff. “Just so we’re on the same page, this is not a date”, and his relationship with her is established as friendly neighbours.
When Ruka stays over, she seems relatively fine. In fact, she reassures him. “You don’t have to worry”. “I’m the one who told you to go out with her”. “I do think we need to draw a clear line between our business and personal lives.” (And before you say but the so in “Ruka is so pretty, it’s perfectly normal, really” is emphasised, there’s only one word in the original Japanese raw that is emphasised is 雇われ, which roughly translated to “hired”, and she says 私は雇われ, she’s emphasising that she’s a hired person, or a service provider, as the translators who actually know what they’re doing at Jet Yau have translated it as).
That’s all she is, a true professional girlfriend.
Which brings us to the second crux moment of Kazuya’s perspective. “We’re not going out, right…?”
So, what kicks all this off is Kazuya wanting to come clean to Sayuri after she collapses. As he has believed time and time again, he’s a burden on Chizuru. Kazuya’s drive for the truth is rooted in lies being burdensome. And here he wants to come clean to ease the burden on her. Which is why this comes out of left field.
Kazuya’s so wrapped up in the burdens of lies, that he can’t think of any other reason. When he questions why, he’s laser focused on Sayuri. Which is why he’s confused by Chizuru explaining just how important the relationship the two share has become to Sayuri’s happiness. It’s why he asks “We’re not going out, right...?”
Reminder, Kazuya has no context for why Chizuru showed up to the birthday party, and why she’s wanting to keep the lie going on. He doesn’t get to see how much she wants to go. What all the things bubbling under the surface of her mind are. All he knows is the professional in front of him.
So when she replies “Right, we’re not”. That’s just another confirmation. Another reminder to never expect anything more. But this moment does change something. He starts to question. “Is it really fine?” “No way that’s the case…” As Sumi gives him time to really process, he starts to understand what’s bubbling beneath the surface. From this, he can figure out a way forward.
He’s soon able to tell he’s struck a chord. But what is he met with afterwards? Another professional relationship. It’s all about the movie. So he needs to focus on the task, to not betray expectations.
And what happens during the movie arc? He finds out just how much of an incredible actress she is. Which brings up his third real hang up. How far away from her he feels. Put in his own words, “The worlds we live in… they’re just way too different!” While he does get some context clues about how she perceives him, clues like she thinks he’s a good person, and that she doesn’t regret meeting him, this is one insecurity that can’t be shaken so easily.
Because the movie arc is where Kazuya misses everything. The movie arc is a place where we explore Chizuru. “But I don’t think there exists a person who is better suited to you than him.” The entirety of The Girlfriend and Room 204. Umi confronting Chizuru about her feelings for Kazuya. “Come on… seriously?”. The telling moment that informs the bus ride home. The moment when love takes root. There are so many things that we learn that well and truly establish all the things he’s worried aren’t things to be worried about. But he misses all of them.
What does he experience? The failure of losing momentum on the crowdfunding campaign. Being coldly shut out without explana-... an explanation that only fuels his insecurities and fears. Being unable to handle the cicada without risk of serious injury. The professional girlfriend. Nothing really happens to Kazuya to really shift the needle. At least not before the bodies hit the floor.
When all he can see is the distance between them. And after Sayuri passes, when he tries to reach out to her, all he’s met with is The Iron Lady. The movie, reaching out to be there for her, nothing seems to let him get through to her. There’s only one reliable way for him to connect with her, to support her. So that’s what he does. He uses the only reliable method he has to try and cheer her up, to help her through this.
But even that doesn’t work.
So hopefully by now, hopefully by unpacking everything that Kazuya learns, experiences, deduces, and struggles with throughout the series, from his perspective. You can understand Chapter 163. All he is, is a loser. He’s just a client. “There’s no real relationship between us…!” All he is, is just someone who can’t help himself. But, as he reflects on all the moments that feed into his insecurities. All the moments that reflect the distance, the fierceness of the iron lady. He doesn’t care. He just wants to be there for her.
Which leads us to the final crux moment (so far). “My ‘Perfect Girlfriend,’ She’s…”
Another emotional outburst. But rather than being passionate, it’s almost wistful, as if he’s crestfallen. He speaks of Chizuru as if she’s an ideal. An unattainable dream. But all he can do at this point is exactly this. He lets everything flow out uncontrollably as he pleads with her to let it out.
And somehow, it works. Which leads us to the moment of contention. Should he have hugged her? I want you to take the time to read this post which goes over just how big of a deal hugging is in Japan. And once you’ve finished reading it, remember this.
Throughout the entirety of Kazuya’s perspective, we’ve seen the idea that this relationship he has with Chizuru is professional. It’s not one where emotions should get involved. It’s a relationship that he should absolutely not read into. One that still exists purely for the sake of their grandparents. One that’s so fragile it could end easily should she find out the truth. He’s not her real boyfriend, and never has been.
From his perspective, he unequivocally made the right judgement call to not hug her.
Sure, he questions himself afterwards. He can finally see her so much more clearly afterwards. But at the end of the day, He’s “just a client, and she’s just a rental. [He’s] only in a position to pay her to date [him]”
That’s why he hasn’t just asked her out already.
So. We’ve gone through the entire manga, and now we know what Kazuya’s viewpoint is. We know what he’s experienced, and what he hasn’t. We know what information he has to inform his decisions, what his level of understanding is, and how he turns those into actions.
But there are two people in this relationship, so we need to look through their eyes as well. Ladies and gentlemen, we need to go through the manga again.

Chizuru’s Viewpoint: Push and Pull, The Unreadable Man, and the Difficulties of Understanding.

Hey, so you know how we have a really great understanding of Kazuya thanks to reading almost every one of his thoughts? You know who doesn’t get that? Chizuru. In fact, of all the people tasked with understanding Kazuya, Chizuru gets the least help. She gets even less help understanding Kazuya than we get understanding her. And if you take a quick glance at the Meta Analysis thread, understanding Chizuru is a task so gargantuan that we have 8 different people writing 10 different articles, and we still don’t have one unified understanding of Chizuru. So many different things are able to be read in so many different ways that if 8 people try to understand Chizuru, you’ll end up with 8 different Chizuru’s.
A better understanding of that is in how every character in KanoKari has a different understanding of Kazuya. To Yaemori, he’s a hero. To Mami, he’s pathetic. To Kibe, he’s a dumbass with a heart of gold. To Ruka, he’s selfless and kind. To Nagomi, he’s just a good-for-nothing grandson. To Umi, he’s the reason Chizuru’s able to look to the future. To Kazuya, he’s just some loser. To Sayuri, he’s one of the strongest and well put together men in the series.
To Chizuru… He’s a mystery.
Now, Much like with my piece outlining Chizuru’s growth up until the start of the movie arc, drawing the same dramatic and narrative through line through the series for Chizuru is nigh on impossible without sounding like trite fan-fiction. Instead, we need to paint a picture. We need to make an assertion, and we need to use the text to fill in the gaps.
So, rather than provide the perspective and use it to make assertions about the questions being covered. I’m going to make assertions about the questions being covered, and use the perspective to justify them.
“So why don’t they just date already? Why doesn’t Chizuru just ask him out?” Because Kazuya’s sending mixed messages.
Push and Pull: The mixed messages of Kinoshita Kazuya.
Thankfully, this is about Kazuya, so I get to use narrative through lines again. Thank fuck. But, a lot of the intentions, meanings, and interpretations of Kazuya’s actions come from his internal monologue. We can see the consistency of his actions, the patterns they fall into, and the justifications for them. So it doesn’t seem like he’s sending mixed messages. But once you take his internal monologue away, he’s actually a wildly inconsistent character.
For the sake of clarity, a pull moment is a moment where he expresses interest in Chizuru and wishes to get closer to her. A push moment is when… well, he pushes her away, denying that interest and retreating into the comfort of the boundaries the two have set up.
To illustrate what I mean, let’s look at chapter 1. The two dates featured within chapter 1 are examples of push and pull moments. The first date is a fairly simple pull. He rents her, and they go on a fairly lovely date. The second date is almost entirely push. After leaving her a one star review, he rents her again to question her motives, call out the shallowness of the system, and challenge why she’s going so far unnecessarily. “We’re gonna be splitting up in another few hours, what’s the point of treating me like this?!”
This pattern continues throughout the series. He pledges to do things under the weight of his own strength and come clean. He then begs her to keep the act up. He’s very vocal about how Mami is still incredibly important to him, and resolute in ending things. He then risks her life to save her and then wants to keep things going. He’s moved by the Christmas gift, but then comments on how people might get the wrong idea, and denies having feelings for her.
He comments on how he still places great meaning in his residual feelings for Mami, and then confesses to her, which he almost immediately walks back. He pushes her to chase her dreams and wants to follow her every step of the way, then has Ruka stay the night. He espouses how much he wants to be there for her, then goes on to attempt to separate, throwing the fact they’re not dating back in her face.
He wants to make both their dreams come true, and shows extreme dedication to making it happen, but also involves his girlfriend, sides with his girlfriend, and seemingly grows closer with his girlfriend. Oh, right. He has a girlfriend. And has for some time now. But he doesn’t love her.
Let's not forget the huge kickers. He once again throws the fact they’re not in a relationship, this time more bluntly, back in her face. He then accuses her of dragging this situation out. He flips the whole damn script on her. He then rents her for a whole day, and is wildly considerate of her. Yet maintains that this is just a selfish request.
And then there’s the mystery of just what the fuck his Perfect Girlfriend speech was really about. After all this, how the fuck should she take that speech?
Now, while we have a strong, and intimate understanding of the backbone behind his actions, and the way he’s fuelled by his feelings and his insecurities. Chizuru only has three clues to go off of to try and figure out what’s going on with Kazuya. She knows he thinks he’s a bad person. She knows how he’s felt unmotivated until now, and that she’s the reason he can look forward to the future. She also knows that he feels like a burden. Outside of those three, spaced out moments, she has no context for his actions other than his actions. Which, don’t paint a clear and consistent picture for her.
This contributes to her big emotional hang up that plagues her ability to move forward throughout the series. She doesn’t understand Kazuya. She doesn’t know what her place is next to her. So she has to play it safe. She has to stick to what’s consistent. Their relationship is just a contract. She’s just a rental girlfriend. There’s no way he’d get serious about her.
“But she knows she loves him, right? She should just go for it!”
No. She doesn’t know.
The Struggles of Understanding: Chizuru, Self Awareness, and how Love is Hard.
Now, I’m not the first one to write about how Chizuru struggles with being self aware of her own feelings, or rather how she doesn’t let herself be self-aware of her own feelings. And I certainly won’t deliver the best analysis of it. There are two pieces that I would absolutely recommend reading to get a better understanding of Chizuru’s headspace and overall emotional intelligence.
Those two pieces are Dooflegna’s piece “Examining Chizuru’s Emotional Intelligence”, which explores the full depth of her emotional intelligence and frames it as a question of vulnerability, an indirect admittance, but a refusal to indulge due to the pain failure would cause; and JakalDX’s piece “What goes on in the mind of Mizuhara”, which frames it as a refusal to confront the feelings that are there, a refusal of self reflection, a refusal to let herself understand, because understanding means confronting herself.
I don’t see those pieces as contradictions of each other, nor am I going to contradict those in any way. I believe those two pieces are both correct, and what I’m about to write is correct as well. This is simply a third lens to look through it, a third contributing factor.
Chizuru doesn’t understand her feelings for Kazuya, because she doesn’t understand love.
That's not to say that she doesn’t know what love is. She knows that love is precious. She knows that love is hard. She knows there’s a difference between professional relationships, friendships, and love. Finally, she knows that love isn’t to be entered into lightly.
But here’s the thing, knowing an emotion and understanding emotion are two completely separate things. Anyone who’s experienced either love or grief would be able to tell you that. And how do we see Chizuru deal with feelings? Confusion.
The first time we see her properly grapple with an emotion, all she can do is look hurt as she curls up at her door. When she finds herself compelled to head to Kazuya’s birthday, it’s something that she can’t comprehend (but eventually both her and I come to the same conclusion). When she questions her reaction to Kazuya saying he’ll make her movie, she’s absolutely lost. When she’s unbelievably horny unsettled and unable to sleep in the same room as Kazuya, all she can offer herself is a “this sucks”. Even in the most recent chapter, confronting her emotional breakdown after Kazuya’s perfect girlfriend speech, and how cleansing it felt to let out her emotions. As she reflects on the entire event, all she can muster is an “Aaaahh! It’s so strange…”
Part of why Chizuru refuses to confront her emotions is a need to feel safe. To not be vulnerable. Another part of why she refuses to confront her emotions is because they’re uncomfortable, and prompt self reflection. Another part is when she does, she can’t find answers. The furthest she’s gotten is being able to admit “I don’t not like him either”. Otherwise, she has no idea what she’s feeling, or how she should respond to it.
“But… why doesn’t Chizuru do more for him? Kazuya’s done so much for her, she should return the favour!”
For Kazuya: How to help a man you don’t understand.
After a certain point, specifically this point, Chizuru does everything she can to help Kazuya. What does he want? He wants to grow, and better himself, and he feels he can do that if he stays with her. And she lets him. She also recognises that he would be better off with a real girlfriend. So that's her main goal for the first part of the series. Kazuya’s Girlfriend Quest™.
When a potential girlfriend falls into their laps, the first thing she wants to do is ask if it’s reciprocal. When she finds out it isn’t, she acts in his best interests, agreeing with him that he shouldn’t date her. Because love is serious, and feelings are essential. She’s not looking to palm him off to anyone, she’s looking to find him someone he actually cares for. Her advice only changes once Ruka reveals she doesn’t really care that she’s not loved (which, that’s sad), it’s no longer something to be entered into seriously, so give it a shot, see how it goes.
But she also doesn’t consider this job well done. She checks up on him, wanting to see how things are going with Ruka and his unresolved feelings for Mami. She knows he cares for her a lot, and here he reconfirms it. So while she’s on the bad end of a Mami encounter, what does she do? Appeals to her to give him another chance. When Mami politely tells her to “Fuck off”, she’s visibly upset. The failure weighs on her.
When Kazuya wants her to be herself around him, she agrees. When he offers to be there for her, she opens up to him. When he asks if she’d let him stay with her, she acquiesces. When he says “Let’s make a movie together!” They make the goddamn movie together.
The only time she ever goes against what Kazuya wants, what she knows Kazuya wants, is when she stops him from telling Sayuri they’ve broken up. Every other time, she’s tried to do her best to be there for Kazuya, to help Kazuya achieve his goals. But the one time she doesn’t, it’s in an area where he really has no business making the decision. This is her family, and it’s Chizuru’s responsibility to deal with it. Otherwise, she’s done everything she can to the best of her knowledge to help him.
Remember, she doesn’t know this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this.
All she knows is this. What more can she do?
That’s why she hasn’t asked him out already.
We as readers are all knowing. We know both perspectives, what’s holding them back, and how easy it would be to shift the needle one way or the other to get them together. When you look at things through the Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, their struggles seem so trivial. So easy to solve.
But to each of these characters, there are legitimate reasons for them to hold back. To make the decisions they do. From their perspectives, they’re doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Love is tricky, love is messy.
And they’re doing their best.

Hey all! So I - and some of you, I'm sure - have been wondering where the companions' stories will take them. Obvioulsy we'll have some sort of a say in the end product but I was genuinely wondering what their current goals are, what they might become and who they might become.
Obviously, we're still in a very early stage of the game, as well as a very early stage in their own stories! I'd love to hear all of your opinions but if you're curious, here are some of mine!
Whether or not you like a character and not another, I think we should all see them as objectively as possible. I'm looking at them in terms of their writing!
If I were a video editor or skilled at that, I'd happily do a video essay about this but I'm not really capable. So hey, if anyone else wants to do one, please do!
Proceed with caution! Spoilers ahead, in some cases I might use datamined material to further a point!
​

Astarion:

Astarion prowled the night as a vampire spawn for centuries, serving a sadistic master until he was snatched away. Now he can walk in the light, but can he leave his wicked past behind?
So far all we have to know about Astarion is that on the surface he's a very self-centered man who's currently indulging in his newfound freedom. Having been a slave to a cruel, sadistic master for 200 years, it's no surprise he's developed some of Cazador's own flaws. It's not because he especially wants to but rather he's been the vampire's pet and had to survive, an easy way to please Cazador would have been to become similar to him. One of the best examples of this is in a datamined voice lines from Cazador has: Cazador refers to Astarion as 'darling' which we all know is something Astarion often says himself. But clearly, Cazador has his talons in Astarion still. In fact, we know that Astarion's coy nature is one that's played up. Again, another datamined voice line from the narrator, when playing Astarion's origin says something along the lines of him faking his smiles as he does/did so often (forgive me for not finding the quote!). This only reminds me (and you I'm sure) of all the people who suffer abuse or trauma but chose to disregard it, brush it aside and put on a smile which we know Astarion does A LOT. The few moments we see his composure break is when Cazador is mentioned or when we (the player) talk down to him much like - I imagine - Cazador would.
I think Astarion's story is one that focuses mainly of self-discovery, rebirth, and redemption. His story is one of abuse. He has been a victim of both emotional and physical abuse for centuries and now all of a sudden he's gotten the closest semblance to freedom there is. I think there are a few ways his story might go regarding this and they're all going to be related to how he deals with his past. As we see, on the BG3 website: '[...] but can he leave his wicked past behind?'. He needs to move past his past(!) and move forward. Many abuse victims eventually reach these crossroads and must choose, and usually they hope to do so with a friend at their side. It's sad to say that some abuse victims become abusers themselves because they were never able to move on. Whilst those who can let go of it often find happiness and self-worth again. And so with all this in mind, here's a very basic summary of what I think Astarion's end goal could be!
Good End: We kill Cazador. We also cure Astarion of vampirism and give him freedom from Cazador and Vampirism.
Neutral End: Astarion (and us) kill Cazador but don't let Astarion feed from him. Leaving him a spawn and possibly freeing the other vampire spawn he has. Astarion is free but is not given the power a true vampire would have.
Bad End: Feed Cazador to Astarion and let him become a True Vampire.
My reasoning for this is mainly to do with how he would cope with his trauma. Not to mention, there is a brief moment where Astarion himself says:
Player: "You'd have to drink Cazador's blood to be free?"
Astarion: "Free and a true vampire, capable of creating my own coven? Yes. Although I'd settle for just killing the bastard. I wouldn't be a 'true' vampire, but I'd be free of him."
I don't think he cares much for becoming a true vampire, all he wants is his freedom again. His freedom > Power. Which is a balance I believe we the player will be tasked wtih looking over. Don't let him fall into the trap that will lead him to becoming just another Cazador. Of course curing vampirism isn't an easy feat either and maybe only a Wish spell could do it. But then again we also have our dear friend the Skeleton who's got some close ties to Kelemvor. I do think at least once in the game we'll be given a chance to use a Wish spell so maybe this'll be one of the choices for it!
Now allowing Astarion to become a full vampire might be seen as good for some but I'll explain why I think it'd be the worst thing for him. Becoming a true vampire would be in essence falling right into his past, he would become his past. The man is a victim of abuse and given the power his abuser had over him would change him, in fact, he might see his new power as a means of using it for revenge. He does clearly want power but that's because I think he wants to reclaim the lack of power he had for so many years. He wants to feel worth again. He could start his own coven himself and eventually, he'd be synonymous with Cazador himself. Remember the line: "Can he leave his wicked past behind?" If he were to become a full vampire, it would never leave him. Yes, he'd be insanely powerful but ultimately, I think it would just throw him deeper into his own pit of repression.
​

Gale:

"Gale has one ambition: to become the greatest wizard Faerûn has ever known. Yet his thirst for magic led to disaster. A Netherese Destruction Orb beats in his chest, counting down to an explosion that can level a city. Gale is confident he'll overcome it, but time is not on his side."
Now Gale's a tricky one for me, only because I have other theories related to him! My friend even wonders whether Gale is just Elminster. Another thinks he's a sorcerer but had his magic taken away and then had to teach himself it via wizardry so it's why he's a lvl 1 wizard despite his experience, cause it's a new mode of casting. But anyway, that's for another post!
Gale's objectives right now are clear, get rid of the Orb inside him. But we also know his ambitions beyond that, he wants to reclaim Mystra's love, he wants to become the greatest wizard in the world! However, those last two points are the same because Gale believes he can only become the greatest wizard in the world with Mystra's love. So far we know that Gale was an insanely powerful wizard before he lost Mystra's love, he basically paraphrases that he could likely cast 7th level or above stuff. And yet we've never really heard of him before, which to me implies he's not used his magic for the betterment of others but more for the sole purpose of enhancing his own life and his bonds to Mystra. Unlike Wyll who we can say we've heard of, Gale is new to us. He lived in his Wizard tower, free from others and could devote himself to his Goddess.
I think Gale's story revolves around his own sense of worth. for the longest time, Gale seems to think his own merit lies in his magical abilities. He was a gifted child with magic and has used it ever since, his skills were even encouraged by Mystra herself. Suddenly Gale's entire life become a devotion to the Weave and Mystra. He wanted to do everything for her and magic. Until suddenly, she stopped caring. She turned away from him which left him a confused and conflicted mess until he went to extremes to regain her favour. I'll tell you what this reminds me of: child prodigies. He was adored, he was told by everyone how great he was and then his own hero came to tell him how great he was. Then he grew up, he lost his flair, which made him stand out over others. Mystra didn't exactly stop caring, she just wasn't as impressed with him anymore. When a child performs brilliantly on a piano, it's far more impressive than an adult performing the same piece, because there's a sense of wonder there. But Gale grew out of it, he was just as skilled if not better but I'm sure Mystra found someone more interesting. So of course, Gale lashes out. He does the only thing he thinks will get her attention back because, without her attention, he feels nothing. He feels no sense of worth and needs her gaze to feel valued. With this in mind, here's what I think his story will entail:
​
Good End: Gale finds a new sense of worth. No longer obsessed with Mystra, he learns and teaches magic not for her but for himself. Using his magic to aid others rather than impress her.
Neutral End: Gale removes the Orb and returns to the way he was. Returning to Mystra and serves her as best he can.
Bad End: Fails to remove the Orb. Dies and unleashes its power. (Maybe he knows his death in inevitable and works to make himself into a Lich)
Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about these. Only because Gale's story hasn't been deepened in the EA, I feel like his story is more of a slow-burner so I don't have much to go off! But I do think Gale's main point is to move past his obsession and feel proud of himself, not for her but for himself.
​

Shadowheart:

"One of Shar's dark disciples, Shadowheart was sent on a suicide mission to steal an item of great power. While wrestling with her faith and strange, untamed magic, Shadowheart has enemies on all sides - and a long-buried secret to uncover."
Now Shadowheart is the hardest one to decipher only because in EA she's very secretive. We know very little which is to be expected. But there have been hints at to what might be really going on with her. In fact, you might have heard the theories about her not actually being a Shar Priestess and in fact once serving Selune. But we can't know nor will we until the full game is released! As such I don't feel too comfortable assuming her plot just yet because I don't want to make too big leaps.
Shadowheart is not only hiding something from us but something is being hidden from her. As we have seen in Shadowheart's leaked origin story, there's mention of everything being a blur before her servitude to Shar. She tells us most Shar worshippers do this but I don't believe that at all.
But for the time being, we know her plot somehow links to the Gith with her magical artifact that Shar had her collect. Honestly, I can't say too much about Shadowheart without more info so I'll just say:
Good End: ?
Neutral End: ?
Bad End: She remains loyal to Shar and remains in her servitude.
​

Wyll

"Noble by birth, Wyll made his name as the heroic 'Blade of Frontiers'. He keeps his pact with a devil well-hidden, and is desperate to escape the hellish bargain - even if that means rescuing the seductive creature that made the deal."
The man who rarely even calls himself by his name, instead he goes by his self-appointed title. Wyll is clearly a bit enthused about escapism. He doesn't like who he is, so much so he unknowingly made a deal with a devil to become a hero. Wyll's quite simple to read so far, in my opinion. He's a rich kid who wanted to become famous, he wanted to be a hero but he went about it in the wrong way and now has to pay for it. Wyll wants to be the person others think he is, and the first step in that is not being tied to a devil. But Mizora clearly has a tight hold on him and I think even when we do get the chance to help her, she'll only offer more power to Wyll to keep them 'together' and if it means it'll boost his reputation, he'll take it.
Wyll is another character who doesn't have too much going on right now other than what's surface level and honestly I'm excited to see more about him. He's charming and kind, but that means he's not got quite the depth the others do. So again, until we find out more about him and Mizora, I'm not gonna say too much about him!
Good End: ?
Neutral End: ?
Bad End: ?

Lae'Zel

Lae'zel is a consummate warrior, ferocious even by the standards of a githyanki creche. Faced with transforming into the very monster she has sworn to destroy, Lae'zel must prove herself worthy of rejoining her people - if they do not execute her first.
Lae'Zel is a grade-A fanatic. Even when compared to the other Githyanki on patrol and her interactions after, she's clearly a lot more 'devoted' to Vlaakith than most other Githyanki. Lae'Zel has a simple goal, to become Kith'Rak and serve her Queen the best way she believes she can even if that means seeing her life ass worthless! (she's happy to let you kill her when she believes the party's turning)
Lae'Zel is the hardest person to empathize with, she's bitter, cruel and almost a bit sadistic. But then again, she's a literal alien. It's hard for her as well, being trapped on a strange world believing she'll become the very thing she's sworn to hate. She's only accepting our help now until the second her problems have been solved, at which point it'd be no surprise to find her attacking and killing us. So I think one of the biggest things for us and Lae'Zel is gaining her trust and showing her the value in other worlds. But honestly, considering Lae'Zel is the way she is... It's hard to read her in depth.
So as with Shadowheart, I don't want to think too much on Lae'Zel because I think we're missing crucial plot points for her. Which will likely be discovered once we get the creche!
Good End: ?
Neutral End: ?
Bad End: ?
​
Anyway, let me hear your theories, if you agree or disagree! ^_^

I was talking to a friend and I realized how unlikely I am to find someone who fits my requirements.
I have many preferences for who I'd want to date, but below are 4 basic deal breakers. I do some sloppy math and then determine that about 1% of men fit the requirement I want.

• Religious requirement.

I am an atheist, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't identify as an atheist. I know some people think that agnostic is similar, but my experience with agnostics is either that they don't care about the question or they are afraid of admitting they're atheists - at least religious people (while I don't agree with them) are firm about their beliefs. I have friends of all religions, but I don't want the most intimate relationship I have to disagree on something so big with me.

• Political requirement.

I want someone who is on the left. I'm further to the left than most. I could not understand someone who didn't believe in things like abortion rights, or, someone who thought weed should be illegal. Or, someone who was anti gay rights. Or frankly, I couldn't understand someone who to some extent, didn't care about poor people - I believe the minimum wage should be higher and I support workers rights... I couldn't relate to someone who didn't agree with me on these things, we would be too different. We don't have to agree on everything, but I find these things rather basic as far as exploring political opinions. I have friends of all political views, but I don't want the most intimate relationship I have to disagree on something so big with me.

• Childfree

I do not want kids and it's not something I can compromise on. I would never even accept a date from a man with children; it is my biggest deal breaker, I wouldn't even date someone who was open to having kids in case they were just being coy about actually wanting them. While it's not a deal breaker, I would prefer a man who was willing to get a vasectomy because it would demonstrate that he was committed to the lifestyle that I also want as far as children go, and sterilization is easier for men.

• Fitness.

I have a great body. And I am a visual creature. All of the guys I've dated have been jacked and went to the gym several times a week, except for the guy who swam competitively and was already lean/muscular as a result. Maybe some people think it's shallow, but I want someone I'm actually attracted to. At the very least, be a healthy weight, but my preference is someone with an active lifestyle like me.
These are my absolute deal breakers. I wouldn't even consider someone who deviated from them.
So then, I decided to break it down today over my morning coffee.
I am Canadian and I googled stats that were based on my country when I could.
What do the stats say?

• Atheist.

"About three-in-ten Canadians say they are either atheist (8%), agnostic (5%) or “nothing in particular” (16%)."
To be honest, I only really want other atheists. I don't want to compromise on that. 8% if we're being strict, and 29% we're being generous.

• Left Leaning.

For Canadian politics, I am NDP but I have voted liberal occasionally. NDP is left of liberal. For American context, in 2016 I would have voted for Bernie Sanders. I'd prefer someone NDP but I can see someone voting liberal. A joke here is that NDPs are just liberals in a hurry. I think it's fair to say that about half the country is left leaning. So we'll be generous here and say the number is exactly 50% (sometimes the conservative party does win, so I think it's fair to say that 50% of people lean right some of the time).

• Childfree.

Most polls done on voluntarily childlessness are targeted at women. Depending on the polls, men around the world who don't want kids range from 5-20%. About 60% of men over 18 do have kids, so they are an automatic no, but I also don't want to be in a relationship where he wants kids and I don't. So we'll say 5% if we're strict, and 20% if we're generous.

• Fitness

There's no measurements online for guys with six packs or thick arms. There are stats on BMI, and it's atrocious.
"Public Health of Canada has reported that in 2017, 64% of Canadians over the age of 18 are overweight or obese"
Only 35% of men are not overweight or obese in Canada. This is like the softest requirement - I'm just asking for someone who isn't fat! I haven't even gotten to the part where I want someone muscular, and I already have to exclude two thirds of all of them in the country.
Sloppy Math for strict scenario
So, let's do some sloppy math. Realistically, some of these requirements are corelated with each other, or even inversely corelated. But I'm not a statistician and I don't have access to the info that would make this more accurate. So we're just going to basic math and see what percentage of these things overlap with each other without regard for how they may corelate with each other.
Using strict numbers:

• 8% of men are atheists. Half of men are left leaning. 50% of 8% is 4%. Only 4% of men are both atheist and left leaning.
• 4% of men are (atheist+left leaning). 5% of men don't want kids. 5% of 4% is 0.2%. Only 0.2% of men are (atheist+left leaning) and don't want kids.
• 0.2% of men are atheist+left leaning+childfree. Only 36% of men in Canada are not fat. 36% of 0.2% is 0.072%.

So, using the strictest/simplest of sloppy math, 0.072% of men fit 4 requirements.
Being generous about the numbers.
Assume I actually consider non-religious men instead of strictly atheists. That broadens my numbers from 8% atheists to 29% non-religious. Quite a difference. And say, assume that 20% of men do not want kids, as opposed 5%. Again, quite a difference. Let's repeat the same sloppy math but with numbers that broaden my dating pool.

• 29% of men are non-religious. 50% of men are left leaning. 50% of 29% is 14.5%.
• 14.5% of men are non-religious and left leaning. 20% of men prefer not to have kids. 20% of 14.5% is 2.9%.
• 2.9% of men are non-religious and left leaning and prefer not to have kids. Only 36% of men in Canada are not fat. 36% of 2.9% is 1.044%

Even in the best case scenario where I give a generous interpretation to what I will accept as to fitting my standards, only 1% of men fit the descriptions I want.
What I really want is a man who identifies as an atheist, is positive about not want kids, is muscular, and agrees with me on key political issues and sides on the left. But I can't filter for men who are muscular with these statistics - granted, I also can't account for some overlap - for example, men who are not religious, are less likely to want kids. That increases the odds that more men who fit my description exist.
But these are only 4 fucking requirements!!
There are still LOADS MORE THAT I CAN'T GOOGLE BASIC STATS of.

• Is he a gentleman?
  
• Is he basically kind?
  
• Is he funny, does he make me laugh?
  
• Does he care about making me happy?
  
• Is my life better with him in it?
  
• Is he cool with me having 2+ dogs at all times? Absolute deal breaker if no.
  
• Do we share the same views on marriage?
  
• Is he an adult who can take care of himself?
  
• Is he attractive? Is he smart?
  
• Does he make a certain amount of money? (preferably, more than I do)
  
• Is he educated? Not a requirement, but definitely a strong preference.
  
• Is he tall? Again, not a requirement - I'm short and I've been happy dating short guys, but I won't pretend for a second that taller men aren't more desirable to me even if I don't have a strict minimum requirement.
  

And then, after all of these considerations, how likely is it that he will be attracted to me, and that I will fit the requirements that he's looking for in a woman?
Realistically I'd have to meet thousands to even find someone who fit the 4 basic requirements.
And here's a personal requirement for myself:
I don't like dating apps, so I won't ever even be able to instantaneously apply these filters across thousands of men looking for a relationship.
So...
I think I'm just done with men... I don't think putting the time into making myself attractive, or to appear available. Like, once I really took a look at my standards and internalized that I can't compromise on them, and then googled how likely I am to find someone who meets those requirements, dating just seems impossssssssible.
I think I'm truly going to throw in the towel and declare that I'll be single forever. I think from this point forward I just have to live with the reality that time spent on men or dating is just time that's wasted - it's not likely to work in my favour, so why bother putting in the effort?

In the past few wees I have seen a lot of adverts for Brian Rose's bid for Mayor of London. It is apparent that Mr Rose has no chance - he is not associated with a political party, and the two-round system strongly favours Labour and Conservative candidates - but it might not be immediately apparent that Mr Rose is no ordinary independent candidate.
Mr Rose's website outlines eight headline policies:

• "Get London Back To Work"
• "Health First"
• "Science First"
• "Education First"
• "Green First"
• "Make London Safe"
• "Digital First"
• "Freedom of Speech"

The thing that will immediately stand out is that Rose has five different issues he wishes to put "first". He does not want to put "safety first" or "jobs first", perhaps because those phrases already have negative connotations with one crowd or another. You will also note that Rose lacks a housing policy, despite London's housing crisis. He lacks a transport policy, despite this being the mayor's greatest power. A serious candidate would have these policies. For example, Luisa Porritt (Lib Dem) has six headline policies, and transport and housing are among them.
There were three further things that struck me as I examined Mr Rose's policies in detail.
A lack of detail
This links into one of the later points, but is most striking when examining Rose's "Green First" policy. Does this involve a plan for recycling? Community energy projects? Green vehicle infrastructure? Erm, no. The extent of Mr Rose's "Green First" policy is... a reduction in on-street parking in central London. This on street parking will be replaced by a combination of wider pavements, "additional retail space to support businesses", and "green spaces the public can enjoy". Bluntly, this is not only entirely lacking in detail, but does not seem plausible to convert on-street parking (strips of space about the width of a car) to significant green spaces or retail space.
A disdain for science
A full three of Rose's policies are dedicated to easing lockdown restrictions. I think his "Science First" policy is the clearest example of doublespeak I have ever seen.

The role of science in policy making has never been more important than it is today. Unfortunately our current politicians often choose the science that supports their politics rather than basing their policies on the science.
As your next Mayor, I will put Science First by implementing rigorous, peer reviewed science-based decisions when determining policies for education, work, travel, and social interactions.
Many experts suggest there has been a disproportionate response to Coronavirus that has caused the loss of countless lives and ruined people’s livelihoods. I believe this can be remedied by implementing intelligent, fact-based policies moving forward.
My initiative to put science-based decision making at the heart of political solutions includes the following priorities:

• Ensuring that data used to determine public health policy is robust, peer reviewed and representative of a best practice-led approach
• Delivering policies that take into account health and economic data points in order to have a well rounded picture of the situation
  • Considering alternative viewpoints and the scientific efficacy of lockdown policies, arbitrary curfew decisions and mandatory masks
  • Developing sustainable approaches to public health that can be understood and embraced by the citizens of London based on clear, empirical evidence
  • Having clear, scientifically underpinned objectives for each intervention including exit strategies

It is only by adopting science-led approaches that can we determine better informed policy decisions to move our city forward in a new direction.

Here, Rose talks up the value of science while showing disdain for the scientific method. He cites unnamed "experts", but not published science. He seeks to listen to "alternative viewpoints" on the efficacy of lockdowns and mask mandates - which, given the scientific evidence in favour of both (masks summarised here, lockdowns covered here, here, here30201-7/fulltext), and here), means listening to unscientific viewpoints.
The smoking gun, funnily enough, is Rose's education policy, funnily enough.

Education has provided me the most incredible opportunities, and sits at the core of my broadcasting platform London Real and our 1000 free to watch long-form interviews with the greatest minds on the planet.

You may recall that London Real was the media outlet that was censored by Google for hosting and promoting talks by the deranged conspiracy theorist, former footballer David Icke.
Mr Icke is an old-school conspiracy theorist. He gained notoriety and ridicule in the 90s after claiming on the UK's #1 afternoon television talk-show that he was receiving messages from the spirit world and that the world would soon be devastated by massive earthquakes. He later claimed that the world is secretly being run by a cabal of Jews, who are actually transdimensional lizards. In other words - nuts.
At the start of the pandemic, London Real aired an interview in which Mr Icke claimed that 5G internet was the cause of the pandemic, that 5G would lead to the end of human life, and that vaccinations were a form of fascism. The video was taken off both YouTube and Facebook, and Icke has now been banned from both those platforms as well as Twitter.
This brings me onto Mr Rose's "free speech" policy.
A classic demagogue
It would be wrong to categorise Rose as either left or right wing. He is extremely tough on crime, but also supports free broadband for all (an emblematic Corbyn policy). His "Freedom of Speech" policy gives him away for what he is: a base populist demagogue. It is somewhat bizarre that someone thinks that online censorship is a bigger issue for Londoners than housing or transport. Here is his policy:

Unfortunately today, censorship has reared its ugly head in our digital communications, where trillion dollar technology companies make the rules about what we can and cannot say, and violate our human rights at will on a daily basis.
Which is why as your next Mayor of London, I will fight for the legislation of Digital Freedom of Speech and take these Silicon Valley technology companies to task.
I will demand that our fundamental human right to free speech be respected in all places, especially on our digital platforms, by demanding as citizens that we be allowed to:

• Access information, with video, blogs and social media being available in an uncensored format as long as content does not violate legislation. We believe that all adults possess sovereignty over their own bodies and can exercise their right to choose what information to consume
• Publish information, guaranteeing every citizen the right to upload information to any platform of their choice without being censored, banned, or deplatformed as long as these are not in violation of the law

With this policy alone there are three clear issues. First, it is a dramatic misjudgement of the power of the Mayor of London! Secondly, there is a populist narrative of wealthy foreign companies oppressing the commoner - seductive, perhaps, but not evidenced. Finally, it is a complete misjudgement of the nature of freedom of speech. Rose does not merely wish to keep the government out of speech, but wants to dramatically expand the government's intervention into speech. Rose wishes for the government to control the content policies of every webhost, every platform, every forum. This would prevent spaces from moderating themselves except as necessary to uphold the law. This is a rather horrifying thought - imagine if every subreddit had to accept off-topic submissions, or if Facebook was unable to take action against bullying. Worse, many of the worst tendencies of these companies are the direct result of government overreach. Rose's suggestions would surely inspire governments to take action to ensure tech giants had to remove undesirable content, and as usual they would surely go further than the tech giants. To the extent that this problem exists, Rose's solution is inadequate.
Conclusion
If his online advertising presence is any indication, Rose is well-financed for such a lunatic. While he avoids explicit extremist rhetoric, voters should not be fooled.
The Mayoral elections are still some way off. At this juncture, I would recommend voting for Luisa Porritt, and granting your second choice to the incumbent Sadiq Khan. Rory Stewart has withdrawn, Shaun Bailey is a populist typical of Johnson's Tories, Sian Berry is a credible Green candidate. There are many also rans who do not seem as well-financed, including the appropriately named UKIP candidate Peter Gammons. In any case, Rose's candidacy is likely to lead nowhere, but serves as a good illustration of the habits of anti-science demagogues.

Forewarning. This is a long one.
Ever since the age of 5, about as far back as I can remember, the deck has been stacked against me, and I don't know how to unstack it. I've honestly gotten to the point where I just...Don't want to exist anymore. I don't see a reason, a purpose anymore. It feels like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, or how positive I think, how much help I seek from psychiatrists or therapists, it just doesn't make a difference in the end.
To keep it somewhat short and don't involve my entire life story in this post. I've been mentally and physically abused my entire life. Having just turned 20 a couple days ago. I've been beaten, yelled at, extorted and blackmailed. Been homeless because of having my money stolen by family multiple times, been chased around with a tazer, hit with a belt, thrown items after. I've had to go through more or less anything that's not sexual abuse from my family's end.
I was bullied relentlessly as a kid because i've got Asperger and had difficulty controlling it growing up, and I was fat because I was either overfed junk food 24/7, or buying cheap, unhealthy stuff to feed myself because all the money was used on drugs. So much so i'd come home more or less on a daily basis having been hit and called names, only to then be beat at home or told how useless I am, and how I can't be normal.
I was thrown out of my first school because I refused to do anything due to all the bullying, and simply refused to go. My family not caring just let it slide, and I found myself with nothing to do, being around 9 at the time. I've always been told i'm a pretty smart kid when I was growing up, and I spent all my time either reading, writing stories(i'm a furry and I have a character and a universe I write about) Or working out. I'd also start doing martial arts and self defense a little later on.
I began hanging out with the wrong people and started getting into fights regularly due to going from a fat, weird kid to a disciplined one who was in very good shape, and I grew up in a ghetto. I ended up hanging around some youth gangs and eventually started going around with them, getting into fights with/for them, doing favours for them. You know just keeping myself occupied from my loneliness, all the beatings I got at home, all the partying and drugs back home...I was also reading psychology trying to figure out how to just be normal. Everything i've ever wanted to be was just to be able to fit in, and have people accept me for who I am.
I ended up seeing some disturbing shit in my time there and I decided to get as far away as possible, we're talking some things that keeps me awake at night even 5 and a half years later. I am eternally grateful I got away when I did, or they would've probably started to try and initiate me into that whole life for good as well.
I decided I wanted to be good, not fight, not let depression and anger issues, autism, whatever I might have issues with control me, and I spent all my free time either playing games, reading more psychology, trying to get into schools or find hobbies. Get a job and make some money. Just anything to prepare me and get me settled into an adult life, to be able to get as far away as possible from my family.
But I always felt so alone, and no matter what i've done, even up until today, i've just been unable to get away from my family, unable to find any functioning relationship where i've been treated well, any friends I can look in the eyes and go into town with. I'm tired of being stuck across the entire planet from everyone I know. I'm getting sick of computer screens and phones. I want human interaction, and every time I finally seem to be able to get it, I always seem to end up with someone abusive, someone who tries to use me, or the fact I seem to care too much about people, use my generosity, step on me.
I finally found my first relationship when I was 18 during winter time while I was working and practicing my martial arts, trying to do school, juggling all of that from a shed. I was homeless at the time for the 2nd time due to family. And after we had known each other for a few months. She flew me to America. I finally thought I had caught a break, met someone who understood me, who wouldn't step on me, and just accept me for who I am. I like to think i'm not a weird person these days, that i'm not socially inept. I am well spoken, I can crack jokes, laugh, I can look people in the eyes, hold a conversation. I can tell when somebody's getting annoyed, so on, so on...I can keep my word, make promises and keep them, not lose myself in a phone like everyone else seem to be doing these days...Anyway, I am getting sidetracked.
We met each other in the airport and she seemed extremely nice. We kicked it off instantly and it seemed as though despite having only properly met and known through the internet, she was someone who seemed genuine, like they actually came off like they did through the internet, no facade whether they were online or offline, just someone who's themselves. And for the first few days, things were pretty good. Then she started getting sexually and verbally abusive over time. I did everything I could to keep her happy, be there for her. She got manic episodes and wouldn't talk to me for hours, then tell me I didn't love her, hit me on the shoulder. She would obsess about her ex boyfriend and talk about him constantly. Tell me how i'm not him, how great he was, compare me to him and mention how I wasn't good enough. She convinced me to have sex with her (I was a virgin at the time) And found myself being sexually abused, essentially forced into it. Not being entirely onboard due to how I was treated, but wanting to make her happy, wanting her to not feel so sad, just trying to help her. And she ended up getting angry at me for not being good enough in that aspect either. Telling me about her previous sex experiences when she didn't feel like doing it anyway. How great her sex experiences were, going into detail about them. She'd also try to drink on multiple occassions. Meanwhile I can't remember getting angry, or not trying to help in any step on the way.
I come home after a month over there. And before we even break up I hear she's cheated on me with two people not even a week after I got home, before we broke up. I break up with her after eventually having enough, realising that I just can't help everyone, be good enough for everyone.
I end up being forced to move into the middle of nowhere, far away from everyone and everything I know because i'm forced to live with my family still at the time, being a student and and trying to work a job, although living in the middle of Copenhagen meaning apartments are very hard to come by, and they're also very expensive, Copenhagen being one of the 5 most expensive cities to live in, in the world. Not to mention all the issues i've acrewed at this point. The entire time it's the same usual shtick, abusive, verbal mostly these days. Me trying to scrape up whatever money I can, to get out and away. Due to Corona hitting, a very awkward place to live for the time being, and family being a thorn in my side. School was delayed, there were no jobs around, and all I could do for money was a little bit of esports coaching and maybe the occassional lesson in martial arts for someone.
I saved up slowly for about 8 months. Only to find myself on the day we move, that all the money I saved up was gone (i had it physical at the time) I had hidden it away, and found it gone when I came home that day. Alongside all my stuff, and my family. They had quite literally taken all my money, ditched me in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, and just expected me to figure something out. So I had to walk from the outskirts of Copenhagen to central. Then I had to go get all my stuff, and go into a homeless shelter with not a single dollar (or in Denmark's case, a Krone) to my name. Then slowly save up again. Difference being that due to Corona being a thing. I've been unable to do martial arts anywhere since everything is closed. So I lost the way to get my frustrations out, get that little part of social interaction I could get with people who shared some of my thinking and beliefs, the friendliness, and an inability to save up and travel anywhere to the people online I at least do know and think of as good people.
Now i've been forced to move back to my family because it's the only place I can find where i'm able to keep up with my school, since I was moved from the inner part of Copenhagen to an island called Amager, which is where I grew up.
I'm not entirely sure why i'm talking about this on reddit, or posting it. Honestly I don't know what i'm expecting to get out of this. I guess i'm just venting, or trying to get a second opinion. Since Corona is a thing, and Denmark is severely understaffed on medical personnel of all expertises/fields. Psychologists/Therapists are in pretty short supply as well, and it hasn't really helped me in the past.
I suppose I just feel like despite having been the best person I can be given the cards I have been dealt. I still feel as though everything is my own fault, like i'm the one who's done everything wrong. Like I deserved to be treated poorly by family, relationships. I guess I just feel as though so many fucked up things can't happen to me without a reason. I must be a bad person, or there's something wrong with me. I guess i'm just wondering when the pain and suffering will end, when I can get just a couple months of peace and quiet, or someone who can truly accept me for just...Me being me, no facade, no bullshit. Just me. I'd just like to not be alone with the entire world working against me for once. Although the older I get the more impossible and unlikely it seems. I guess it just feels as though i'm destined to keep climbing, only to get shoved down the entire staircase, over and over. Purgatory, if you will.
Honestly i'm considering just ending it all. Giving whatever money I have to the people I care about online, thanking them for all the attention they've given to me, all the time they've put into being around me. And just getting some rope. I'm just mentally exhausted and beaten. I'm tired of being unable to sleep or get anything I want. I don't think it should be impossible to just be myself and be able to get a nice conversation with someone face to face just once. To not be treated like complete shit.
Don't know if anyone will actually see this or bother to go through it all. But thank you. I'm not doing too well lately and it does mean something.

I was talking to a friend and I realized how unlikely I am to find someone who fits my requirements. I'm posting here because I know you ladies won't tell me that I need to compromise them. Thing is, they're very specific and they rule out almost everyone.

• Religious requirement.

I am an atheist, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't identify as an atheist. I know some people think that agnostic is similar, but my experience with agnostics is either that they don't care about the question or they are afraid of admitting they're atheists - at least religious people (while I don't agree with them) are firm about their beliefs.

• Political requirement.

I want someone who is on the left. I'm further to the left than most. I could not respect someone who didn't believe in things like abortion rights, or, someone who thought weed should be illegal. Or, someone who was anti gay rights. Or frankly, I couldn't respect someone who to some extent, didn't care about poor people - I believe the minimum wage should be higher and I support workers rights... I couldn't relate to someone who didn't agree with me on these things, we would be too different. We don't have to agree on everything, but I find these things rather basic as far as exploring political opinions.

• Childfree

I do not want kids and it's not something I can compromise on. I would never even accept a date from a man with children; it is my biggest deal breaker, I wouldn't even date someone who was open to having kids in case they were just being coy about actually wanting them. While it's not a deal breaker, I would prefer a man who was willing to get a vasectomy because it would demonstrate that he was committed to the lifestyle that I also want as far as children go, and sterilization is easier for men.

• Fitness.

I have a great body. And I am a visual creature. All of the guys I've dated have been jacked and went to the gym several times a week, except for the guy who swam competitively and was already lean/muscular as a result. There is no f'ing way I'm not dating someone I'm not attracted to.
These are my absolute deal breakers. I wouldn't even consider someone who deviated from them.
So then, I decided to break it down today over my morning coffee.
I am Canadian and I googled stats that were based on my country when I could.
What do the stats say?

• Atheist.

"About three-in-ten Canadians say they are either atheist (8%), agnostic (5%) or “nothing in particular” (16%)."
To be honest, I only really want other atheists. I don't want to compromise on that. 8% if we're being strick, and 29% we're being generous.

• Left Leaning.

For Canadian politics, I am NDP but I have voted liberal occasionally. NDP is left of liberal. For American context, in 2016 I would have voted for Bernie Sanders. I'd prefer someone NDP but I can see someone voting liberal. A joke here is that NDPs are just liberals in a hurry. I think it's fair to say that about half the country is left leaning. So we'll be generous here and say the number is exactly 50% (sometimes the conservative party does win, so I think it's fair to say that 50% of people lean right some of the time).

• Childfree.

Most polls done on voluntarily childlessness are targeted at women. Depending on the polls, men around the world who don't want kids range from 5-20%. About 60% of men over 18 do have kids, so they are an automatic no, but I also don't want to be in a relationship where he wants kids and I don't. So we'll say 5% if we're strict, and 20% if we're generous.

• Fitness

There's no measurements online for guys with six packs or thick arms. There are stats on BMI, and it's atrocious.
"Public Health of Canada has reported that in 2017, 64% of Canadians over the age of 18 are overweight or obese"
Only 35% of men are not overweight or obese in Canada. This is like the softest requirement - I'm just asking for someone who isn't fat! I haven't even gotten to the part where I want someone muscular, and I already have to exclude two thirds of all of them in the country.
Sloppy Math for strict scenario
So, let's do some sloppy math. Realistically, some of these requirements are corelated with each other, or even inversely corelated. But I'm not a statistician and I don't have access to the info that would make this more accurate. So we're just going to basic math and see what percentage of these things overlap with each other without regard for how they may corelate with each other.
Using strict numbers:

• 8% of men are atheists. Half of men are left leaning. 50% of 8% is 4%. Only 4% of men are both atheist and left leaning.
• 4% of men are (atheist+left leaning). 5% of men don't want kids. 5% of 4% is 0.2%. Only 0.2% of men are (atheist+left leaning) and don't want kids.
• 0.2% of men are atheist+left leaning+childfree. Only 36% of men in Canada are not fat. 36% of 0.2% is 0.072%.

So, using the strictest/simplest of sloppy math, 0.072% of men fit 4 requirements.
Being generous about the numbers.
Assume I actually consider non-religious men instead of strictly atheists. That broadens my numbers from 8% atheists to 29% non-religious. Quite a difference. And say, assume that 20% of men do not want kids, as opposed 5%. Again, quite a difference. Let's repeat the same sloppy math but with numbers that broaden my dating pool.

• 29% of men are non-religious. 50% of men are left leaning. 50% of 29% is 14.5%.
• 14.5% of men are non-religious and left leaning. 20% of men prefer not to have kids. 20% of 14.5% is 2.9%.
• 2.9% of men are non-religious and left leaning and prefer not to have kids. Only 36% of men in Canada are not fat. 36% of 2.9% is 1.044%

Even in the best case scenario where I give a generous interpretation to what I will accept as to fitting my standards, only 1% of men fit the descriptions I want.
What I really want is a man who identifies as an atheist, is positive about not want kids, is muscular, and agrees with me on key political issues and sides on the left. But I can't filter for men who are muscular with these statistics - granted, I also can't account for some overall - for example, men who are not religious, are less likely to want kids. That increases the odds that more men who fit my description exist.
But these are only 4 fucking requirements!!
There are still LOADS MORE THAT I CAN'T GOOGLE BASIC STATS of.

• Is he a gentleman?
  
• Is he basically kind?
  
• Is he funny, does he make me laugh?
  
• Does he care about making me happy?
  
• Is my life better with him in it?
  
• Is he cool with me having 2+ dogs at all times? Absolute dealer if no.
  
• Do we share the same views on marriage?
  
• Is he an adult who can take care of himself?
  
• Is he attractive? Is he smart?
  
• Does he make a certain amount of money? (preferably, more than I do)
  
• Is he educated? Not a requirement, but definitely a strong preference.
  
• Is he tall? Again, not a requirement - I'm short and I've been happy dating short guys, but I won't pretend for a second that taller men aren't more desirable even when you don't have a strict minimum limit.
  

And then, after all of these considerations, how likely is it that he will be attracted to me, and that I will fit the requirements that he's looking for in a woman?
Realistically I'd have to meet thousands to even find someone who fit the 4 basic requirements.
And here's a personal requirement for myself:
I don't like dating apps, so I won't ever even be able to instantaneously apply these filters across thousands of men looking for a relationship.
So...
I think I'm just done with men... I don't think putting the time into making myself attractive, or to appear available. Like, once I really took a look at my standards and internalized that I can't compromise on them, and then googled how likely I am to find someone who meets those requirements, dating just seems impossssssssible.
I think I'm truly going to throw in the towel and declare that I'll be single forever. I think from this point forward I just have to live with the reality that time spent on men or dating is just time that's wasted - it's not likely to work in my favour, so why bother putting in the effort?